If Annie Was a Hockey Fan

This interview and a baseball analogy I made with respect to the play of Michael Nylander over here, combined with these being the dullest days of the hockey calendar got me to thinking... if Annie Savoy had been a hockey fan instead of a baseball fan, what would she think of the sport? Well, let's let her speak for herself...

"I believe in the Church of Hockey. I've tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in Gerry Cheevers’ mask. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in hockey. Oh, sure, the referees try to make players feel guilty by making them spend two minutes in the penalty box, but that’s really just a chance for the player to get in touch with his inner pee-wee. And hockey’s never boring... which makes it like sex. There's never been a hockey player slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like a taking a faceoff: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player with a bad plus-minus... not unless he had a lot of goals and was a great fighter.

"You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I've got a hockey player alone, I'll just read Ken Dryden or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. 'Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 82 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of hockey - now who can forget Markus Naslund for Alek Stojanov, for God's sake? It's a long season and you gotta trust. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Hockey."

What about the draft Annie? Do you think there really is any science behind how teams settle on their picks?...

"Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it's like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can't do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build the Consol Energy Center."

Annie, you've obviously spent a lot of time thinking about this. It's as if you were a hockey player in another life...

"I think probably with my love of the way goalies use their sticks and gloves, and my love for four-legged creatures and hooves and everything, that in another lifetime I was probably Catherine the Great, or Francis of Assisi, or maybe George Hainsworth. I'm not sure which one. What do you think? "

How come nobody ever says they were Joe Schmo or John Roach?

Oh my...