Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Cheerless Talks Fancystats

Cheerless informs me that he has decided to improve himself in the ways and means of hockey.  We applaud our cousin’s efforts to better himself, and he tells me he’s actually prepared a report on his study so far.  Take it away, Cheerless.

Thanks, cuz.  I’d like to talk to you today about something that a lot of hockey folks in the know talk about these days.  Of course, I mean “Corgi.”

Now, what do we mean by “Corgi?”  It is a statistic.  Until I started readin’ up on Corgi, I didn’t know a statistic from a hockey stic (haha…get it?), but what I found out readin’ up on it is that it was invented by this guy named Jim Corgi, who is also a dog lover, I think.

Corgi is what all those smart guys who watch hockey call a “fancy stat,” like maybe it dresses in a tuxedo or something.

What it does, though, is add up all the shot attempts.  Shoot the puck on net, you get a Corgi.  

Shoot the puck and get it blocked, you get another Corgi.

Even if you shoot the puck and miss everything, you get a Corgi.

Now, here is where it gets interesting.  You get a minus Corgi for every shot the other guys take at your net.  A shot on your goalie, you get a minus-Corgi... 

…you block one of their shots, you get another minus-Corgi…

…missed shot…another minus-Corgi.

It’s better to have more Corgis than the other guys...

...and it’s even better to have lots of Corgis for your side.

Now, here is where it gets all squirrely.  You can get Corgis when you’re not even on the ice!  If you’re on the ice, they take the Corgis you get and subtract the Corgis for the other guys.  That’s called “Corgi-on.”  And when you’re off the ice, they figure out the Corgis for both sides, and they call that a “Corgi-off.”  So then you can compare the Corgi-on and Corgi-off…

If you put ‘em together, you get “Corgi Relative,” somethin’ I thought was like an uncle or a brother or somethin’ like that.

Oh, and if you really want to go deep into the woods, there is “Corgi/quality of competition,” which is the average Corgi of opposing players…

…and “Relative Corgi/quality of competition,” and that’s the average relative Corgi of the other guys.”

When you put it all together, if you have lots of Corgis on your side, not so many on the other side, and your relative Corgis are high, they say you “drive” play…

So there you have it, all you need to know about Corgi. Class dismissed.  You deserve a beer…


  1. Absolutely brilliant Peerless and I love the pics.

  2. OldPhil9:04 AM

    Wonderful. Hate to say it, but when all the experts start ruminating and chart-and-graphing, I glaze over and just ask "when's the game come on?"

  3. Anonymous1:20 PM

    This is some good shit man.