Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Peerless Prognosticator's Peerless Mock Draft

And here we are at last. The 2007 NHL Entry Draft from Columbus, Ohio, which reminds The Peerless of a joke…why doesn’t Michigan slide into Lake Superior?

Because Ohio sucks! . . . ok, so I need to keep my day job.

The Peerless makes no claim to have seen any of these fine young men in action. We’re as clueless as Eklund when it comes to their respective skills and depend on what we read from a variety of scouting sites, media outlets, bloggers, and mock drafts. Then, The Peerless throws all that out so he can go for the punch line. But as we rush head long into this year’s “everyone can be a GM” moment, The Peerless is imagining what will transpire . . .

The clock strikes 7:00 pm. Gary Bettman is greeted by throngs of adoring fans adept at masking their cheers as boos. The Commissioner slithers to the podium, clears his throat, flicks his forked tongue once. . . twice . . and announces . . . “with the first overall pick in the 2007 National Hockey League entry draft, the Chicago Blackhawks select . . .

1. Patrick Kane, RW. Patrick Kane is an anagram for “a tanker pick.” Given the Blackhawks’ record since the Pleistocene Age, this might be the only club who could draft Kane and have this happen. Good #1: Sidney Crosby…Alex Ovechkin...Bad #1: Alexandre Daigle.

2. Philadelphia – Kyle Turris, C. Much has been made of Turris coming out of Canadian Junior A. Well, gee . . . Jerry Rice came out of Division I-AA. Think it hurt him? Good #2: Chris Pronger…Bad #2: Pat Falloon.

3. Phoenix – James Van Riemsdyk, LW. He has a scary resemblance to Opie Taylor. The Peerless isn’t sure just what to make of that. Good #3: Scott Niedermayer…Bad #3: Orest Romashyna (ok, that’s going back a few years).

4. Los Angeles – Alexei Cherepanov, RW. His name is an anagram for “each a proven exile.” Well, given the problems one reads about with potential Russian amateurs, the biggest problem with this guy might be getting him across the border. Good #4: Roberto Luongo…Bad #4: Pavel Brendl.

5. Washington – Jakub Voracek, C. Satisfies the club’s minimum requirements of Jakubs if Klepis is moved. Good #5: Jaromir Jagr (no, really)…Bad #5: Daniel Dore.

6. Edmonton – Karl Alzner, D. “Karl Alzner” . . . sounds like he should be in commercials at three a.m. for a personal injury law firm . . . “did you get hit in the head with a puck? Call Alzner and Associates to get what’s coming to you.” Good #6: Peter Forsberg…Bad #6: Scott Scissons.

7. Columbus – Keaton Ellerby, D. Keaton is one of those sturdy Canadian names, like Brendan or Doug. Columbus is one of those sturdy Italian names. Blue Jackets is one of those godawful hockey teams. Good #7: Bernie Federko…Bad #7: Ryan Sittler.

8. BostonLogan Couture, C. Logan Couture…it sounds like a line of hair care products…Logan Couture conditioner. The Bruins hope this guy conditions the club into winning for a change. Good #8: Grant Fuhr…Bad #8: Jason Herter.

9. St. Louis – Ryan McDonagh, D. His anagram is “mad cranny hog.” Does this mean he’ll be rooting around in the corners for pucks? Good #9: Cam Neely…Bad #9: Brent Krahn.

10. Florida – Angelo Esposito, C. “Poison to Eagles.” Will the Caps see this kid make their lives difficult eight times a year?? Good #10: Teemu Selanne…Bad #10: Dan Gratton.

11. Carolina – Sam Gagner, C. How many centers named “Sam” are there in the Hall of Fame? One (Sam “Rusty” Crawford), and his last year in the NHL was in 1919. Good luck, kid. Good #11: Jarome Iginla…Bad #11: Chris Govedaris.

12. Montreal – Nick Petrecki, D. “Nick Petrecki.” The name just conjures all sorts of images of a big kid with a pack of Camels rolled up in the sleeve of his t-shirt. Good #12: Marian Hossa…Bad #12: Teemu Riihijarvi

13. Toronto – Zach Hamill, C. Did he star in those Star Wars movies? Or was he the figure skater? Whatever. Good #13: Jean-Sebastien Giguere…Bad #13: Michael Stewart.

14. Colorado – Thomas Hickey, D. “Hit macho keys” is his anagram. Colorado only wishes he does that. Good #14: Calle Johansson…Bad #14: Michel Riesen.

15. Edmonton (From NYI) – Jonathan Blum, D. Six feet, 160 pounds. When his name is announced, Kevin Lowe should greet him with a sandwich. Good #15: Alexei Kovalev…Bad #15: Matt Zultek.

16. Anaheim (From TBL) – Colton Gillies, C. Sounds like an extra in a Masterpiece Theatre episode . . . of course, if he was just “Colt,” he’d be on “Days of Our Lives.” Good #16: Markus Naslund…Bad #16: Nick Stajduhar.

17. NY Rangers – Lars Eller, LW. I read somewhere…ok, everywhere, that this kid could be the highest pick ever from Denmark. That might be roughly akin to being the highest rated soccer player ever from Harrisburg. It’s a small sample. Good #17: Zach Parise…Bad #17: Scott Allison.

18. Calgary – Bill Sweatt, LW. Add Bobby Blood, Hal Tearse, and what do you have? Good #18: Bruce Cassidy (just seeing if you’re paying attention)…Bad #18: Alex Forsyth.

19. Minnesota – Kevin Shattenkirk, D. I . . . can’t believethiskidlasteduntil . . . this . . .pick (uh, that’s a Shatner, Kirk thing…figure it out). Good #19: Olaf Kolzig…Bad #19: Jan Ingman.

20. Pittsburgh – Maxim Mayorov, LW. Hey, he’s Russian, so he must want to play with Evgeni Malkin (how does it feel to see the “he’s Russian, so he must want to play with other Russians” nonsense applied to another team?). Good #20: Martin Brodeur…Bad #20: Duncan MacPherson.

21. Phoenix (From DAL) – Mikael Backlund, C. “likeable man duck.” We’ll just leave that one alone. Good #21: Saku Koivu…Bad #21: Selmar Odelein.

22. Montreal (From SJS) – Alex Plante, D. Sounds a liitle like “Bob Mantle” or “Phil Montana.” It’s . . . well, almost right. Good #22: Simon Gagne…Bad #22: Jeff Kealty.

23. Philadelphia (From NAS) – Logan MacMillan, C. Tweed-blazered professor by day, superhero by night . . . it’s “Puck Man. Good #23: Ray Whitney…Bad #23: Craig Hillier.

24. St. Louis (From ATL) – Brett MacLean, LW. “metal crab net.” The Peerless notes all the accolades about his offense but wonders if this means he’ll be tying up opponents, too. Good #24: Daniel Briere…Bad #24: Eric Lecompte.

25. Vancouver – Oscar Moller, C. My baloney has a first name . . . oh, c’mon, you knew it was coming. Good #25: Mark Howe…Bad #25: Eric Lavigne.

26. St. Louis (From SJS) – Max Pacioretty, LW. Did I read that right? He plays for the “Mouseketeers?” Are his linemates Annette and Cubby? Good #26: Zigmund Palffy. …Bad #26: Nicolas Perreault.

27. Detroit – Dana Tyrell, C. “ardent ally” . . . he’s either going to be a great teammate or code name for an attack on Bumfuckistan. Good #27: Scott Gomez…Bad #27: Mike Speer.

28. Washington (From BUF) – Brandon Sutter, C. 32,914 Sutters have dressed for an NHL game . . . none of them for Washington. Good #28: Mike Richter…Bad #28: Brandy (Brandy?) Semchuk.

29. Ottawa – David Perron, RW. Don’t cry for me, Bryan Murray…The truth is I never left you. All through my wild days, my mad existence. I kept my promise, don't keep your distance. Good #29: Jonathan Cheechoo…Bad #29: Chris Gotziaman.

30. Edmonton (From Ana) – Tommy Cross, D. Rats…if he’d been a little older and drafted a few years ago, he coulda been paired with Cory Cross on the “Double Cross” pairing. Good #30: Randy Carlyle...Bad #30: Par Edlund.

And there you have it...the only mock draft you'll ever need!