Saturday, October 20, 2007

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!!! -- Caps vs. Penguins, October 20th

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!!!

And today we have an old time treat…The New Time Gospel Hour!

That’s right all you born-again Crostians, we’re here with the Reverend Jimmy Pat Bucciswaggarson to sing the praises of He, from whom all hockey goodness abounds, Sidney Crosby.

“Praise Sidney!"

Thanks Rev…

“I’m just glad to be here to bring His word.”

Rev, you’re an evangelical Crostian. Just what does that mean, exactly?

“Well, I am merely His humble servant, bringing his sacred Word to hockey fans everywhere, because as He once said himself, ‘“I don't think there's ever a time where I step back and say I wish I was something different. I'm doing what I love to do.’”* And that’s what I do, Peerless.

Let’s talk about the Church of Sid, for a moment. What does it mean to be a true believer, Reverend?

“Well, you have to give yourself over to Him, heart, soul, and puck…He asks only that you worship him, that you believe in him as your personal Greatest Hockey Player, that none be worshipped before him, especially Alexander Ovechkin.”

That’s quite a commitment.

“It is, but it is one that true Crostians give freely. It truly is a gift of love and devotion.”

Reverend, what about those who have fallen, who do worship Ovechkin before Crosby…what is their fate, according to the Church of Sid?

“Damnation…eternal damnation. Forever will they be without Versus, without NHL Center Ice, doomed to wander in loneliness, to sit in Verizon Center in a sea of empty seats.”

That’s very serious stuff…now, I understand that there is another, one who heralds the coming of Sid.

“You’ve been boning up on your Sid-Scripture, Peerless…in the Book of Buccigross, Chapter 3, the prophet says, “In those days John from ESPN came, preaching in the Desert of Hartford, Connecticut, ‘Repent, for the kingdom of hockey is near.’ This is he who was spoken of through the prophet: ‘A voice of one calling in the desert, 'Prepare the way for Sid, make straight paths for him.'”

And what of His followers, Reverend, are there many in your congregation?

“Oh, Peerless, there are tens of thousands of Crostian Soldiers, ready to take up the NHL record book in one hand, and a hockey stick in the other to go forth and spread the Word. From Halifax, Nova Scotia to the shores of British Columbia…from Pittsburgh to Anaheim…from the oldest hockey fan to the little one with the ‘87’ jersey, the Church of Sid thrives.”

And I understand you’ve brought some followers…

“Why yes, Peerless, we’re blessed with some young voices who sing their praises to Sid…The Blessed Crosby Singers…let’s listen to their sweet voices…

Crosby Fever, I’ve got
Crosby Fever, Ive got
Crosby Fever day and night.

Oh I’ve got
Crosby Fever, I’ve got
Crosby Fever
You will too, and then you’ll see the light.

He skates from…end to end
He’s comin’…round the bend
He’ll shoot that puck…right past the goalie’s glove.

He skates from… end to end
He’s scorin’…once again
He’s just the best…deservin’ all my love.”

That was marvelous…

“They sure do scare up a feelin’, don’t they?”

Now, I understand that there are holidays on the religious calendar in the Church of Sid.

“Well, yes…There is the holiest of holy days – July 30th.

What is the significance of that?

“Heathen!...that is the day when Crosby rose from the Rimouski Oceanic and was selected first in the 2005 draft by the Pittsburgh Penguins!”

I see…and others?

“Well, there is August 7th…Crosmas Day, when Sidney was born. Now, I know that legend has it that on Crosmas Eve, Santa Cros flies through the night in his sleigh, pulled by eight tiny Penguins (‘Mario’ is the one with the red nose), and leaves gifts for all the good little Crosby kids, while bad ones get Alexander Ovechkin bobbleheads in their stockings…but the true meaning of Crosmas is the spirit of Crosby given to us in the form of a babe in a tiny manger in Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia.”

It sounds like a joyous time for Crostians everywhere. Well, Reverend, we do have a hockey game tonight, and we’d like your take on it…can Sidney lead the Penguins to a win over the Caps?

Peerless, it is as the prophet foretells, “so shall ye go unto the Nation’s Capital and slay the non-believer in the name of Cros.” The Penguins will win handily…

Wrong! The Caps have had a couple of days of fire and brimstone of their own and will vanquish the Penguins…


“Can I just say one more thing, Peerless?”


“I don’t care if I lose a kidney,
Just so I can see my Sidney…”

* Sid really said that.