In more ways than one. The whole effort was…
Why, if it isn’t Leonard Pinth-Garnel, erstwhile theater critic of “Saturday Night Live” fame…
“Yes, Peerless, and wasn’t that an atrociously bad play in four acts last night.”
“Well, in our first act, we have the red-clad Capitals spinning and twirling in such form as to make the visitors from Long Island look especially, gigglingly bad in trying to keep up. But all was for naught as their shots were triflingly bad, failing to make the Islander goaltender, the stiflingly bad Rick DiPietro, do much more than stay in the way of those unerringly bad shots. It was comically bad…a Capital would shoot, and one would hear a thud cascade through the arena (where attendance was excruciatingly bad) as the puck would thud against Mr. DiPietro’s leg pads.
“The first act came to a mercifully bad end with less than five minutes in the first period as the Islanders threw – in an aimlessly bad fashion by Miroslav Satan (is that a frighteningly bad name for a hockey player?) – the puck at the net. Fortunately for the visitors, Sean Bergenheim wriggled free from the indifferently bad defense of Tomas Fleischmann to swat the puck into the Capitals’ net. And so, the curtain came down on Act I.
“Act II began thereafter, as the Islanders dominated the play for the rest of the period and for all of the second period. It was as if the Capitals had had some bad…uh, tapas…at a local eating establishment. Or perhaps some bad sushi. Whatever the cause of the malady, the Capitals looked distressingly bad throughout the middle stages of the play…uh, game. The veteran Bill Guerin scored for the visitors on a power play after the Capitals goaltender – Olaf Kolzig – was guilty of a bad-bad-bad decision to swat an Islander in the face with his glove after the Islander decided to make use of Kolzig as a Barcalounger. And so, Act II came to an end.
“As we began Act III, the ferociously bad-ass Alexander Ovechkin announced his presence not two minutes into the Act…uh, period…by slamming the puck past DiPietro on a nice feed from the unfortunately badly named, Joe Motzko. Not five minutes later, Nicklas Backstrom executed an exquisitely un-bad pass to Fleischmann, who was waiting in the midst of the statuesquely bad Islander defense to tie the game. And so, we came to the triumphant end of Act III.
“Act IV completed the tragedy for the surprisingly bad home team. The Capitals managed to record the only shots on goal after the Fleischmann goal until the Capitals’ captain – Chris Clark – took what looked to be a very, very bad penalty for tripping, whistled by Chris Lee, who was enormously bad in his role as referee in this contest. It took the Islanders only 54 seconds to untie the game, as Bryan Berard slipped the puck from long range through the pads of Olaf Kolzig. From there, the game degenerated into a cacophony of badness as Bill Guerin registered his second and third goals of the evening to complete the scoring. Despite his having achieved what hockey people refer to as a “hat trick,” there were no hats flung to the ice, Capitals fans preferring to throw themselves from the balconies to register their displeasure over such a bad display. The horn echoed through the arena at the end of the period to send the dejected crowd, if such a small clot of attendees could be called a “crowd,” to the exits. It was a wretchingly bad night, all around, for the home team.
That’s, uh…quite a review, Leonard.
“Well, at least it wasn’t a ‘bad’ review, eh?”
Any comments on individual players?
“What would be the point? One might say that from among the 20 players with a sweater tonight, the best of them was Brent Johnson.”
That’s pretty hard, there, Leonard?
“Well, I suppose one might say that for some, they were less bad than others.”
But none of them played well?
“Well, there was Donald Brashear…”
He only had 1:46 in ice time!
“Precisely…he wasn’t out there long enough to be bad.”
Anything else to add?
“Well, if the Capitals play at that immensely bad level on Saturday, you’re new scoreboard is going to need another digit.”