Thursday, February 01, 2007

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!! -- Caps vs. Panthers, February 1

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!!

OK, I give up. The Caps have lost 13 of their last 19, they can’t get out of their own way when playing this evening’s opponent, the Florida Panthers. Shakespeare once wrote:

“Men at some time are masters of their fates:
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
But in ourselves, that we are underlings.”

Yeah, sez him. Maybe we should look to the stars . . . what do they say about our hometown heroes tonight?

Kris Beech, Aquarius . . . traits: shy, sensitive, gentle and patient. Life will be so sweet for you today you will need to avoid the rain to keep from melting. You’ll actually have double digit ice time.

Donald Brashear, Capricorn . . . traits: independent, confident, strong willed, hardworking, rocklike character. This can be a confusing day for you and you’ll tend to be forgetful. Stay ahead of the game and make notes where you are sure to see them. In other words, pick out a dance partner before the game starts.

Chris Clark, Pisces . . . traits: friendly, good natured, kind, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, popular with all kinds of people. Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt. That suggests two words, “hat trick.”

Ben Clymer, Aries . . . traits: adventurous, ambitious, impulsive, enthusiastic and full of energy. You will be followed by an evil-looking man in a red and yellow shirt. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about. Nathan Horton is another matter. The stars anticipate much glass rattling in your evening.

Steve Eminger, Scorpio . . . traits: harnessed aggression, immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and often strangely hypnotic personality. A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, in your personal space. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave. His name is “Olli.” Just smack him; he’ll go away.

Eric Fehr, Virgo . . . traits: precise, refined, fastidious love of cleanliness, hygiene and good order, conventionality and aristocratic attitude of reserve. Son, ask around if you really were born in September. You could use a different sign.

Boyd Gordon, Libra . . . traits: elegance, charm and good taste, naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty and harmony. This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. I think that has something to do with getting Alexander Semin the puck.

Mike Green, Libra . . . traits: easygoing, peaceable, indecisive, easily influenced. Your inner peace will be tested tonight after you shock yourself with the violence used to kill a fly or bug or panther which has annoyed you; you will be reminded of that moment in the Karate Kid movie when the old guy gracefully catches a fly with his chopsticks and how that was the exact opposite of the way you did it, which was simply to smash it against the glass.

Jamie Heward, Aries . . . traits: adventurous, energetic, enthusiastic, confident, quick-witted, impulsive. You may be better off taking charge of your own laundry today for reasons that the stars do not make clear. The number of times you walk into a door will today cause you to seek out new ways of thinking. Try hopping over the boards, instead, and avoid sharp objects attached to feet.

Olaf Kolzig, Aries . . . traits: pioneering, courageous, enthusiastic, confident, dynamic, quick-tempered, impatient. It’s time to start giving people the benefit of the doubt and being more accepting of those who aren’t as skilled as you. So the next time someone in your vicinity coughs up the puck, try to convince yourself that they are not an unoriginal, brain dead, goober with the hockey sense of a six year old.

Brooks Laich, Cancer . . . traits: emotional, intuitive, imaginative, shrewd, moody. An explosive argument with your linemate results in both of you questioning your future together. If you want to save the relationship then consider the possibility that you may just have been wrong. Pass the puck, ya goober.

Shaone Morrisonn, Capricorn . . . traits: prudent, disciplined, patient, reserved, grudging. Beware of arguments in the locker room boiling over and dividing the house. Make sure you give your all to the tasks and rewards will come your way, and to those around you. Always keep your pants on when showering and don’t let Laughlin’s ridiculous catchphrases enter your vocabulary.

Lawrence Nycholat, Taurus . . . traits: patient, reliable, persistent, determined. Try and keep some perspective on the situation then when your partner comes back from an ill-timed rush while you are fishing the puck from behind the net. Don’t give in to the temptation to smear atomic balm in his cup.

Alex Ovechkin, Virgo . . . traits: judicious, patient, practical supporters of the status quo, conservative in outlook. Lemme guess . . . someone in Moscow screwed up your birth certificate and put you down as a September baby. Cram in as much time as possible with your elderly relatives (Zubrus, Clark), watch your partners like a hawk and be extra vigilant when checking your sticks - and take some comfort from the fact that astrologers are wrong two thirds of the time.

Matt Pettinger, Libra . . . traits: charming, easygoing, self-indulgent. You love messing with your teammates’ heads by hatching from lemons instead of eggs. Breakfast can be an important time of the day for you. Maybe it’s time to think about a new routine. Pouring goat's milk over yourself and jibbering like a gibbon in front of your locker could be a start.

Jeff Schultz, Pisces . . . traits: selfless, intuitive, idealistic, secretive. Lately you've been looking for a good way of hiccupping without skating backwards at 100mph and screaming. The answer may lie in rocket powered stilettos. Hey, it can’t hurt, and you’ll be called “eccentric” if it works (a “daft loon” if it doesn't).

Alexander Semin, Pisces . . . what’s with all the fish on this team? Mrs. Paul doesn’t have this much going through her plant every day. Your thought process may be more than occupied in finding stability and security. Try to keep your cool and the solution may be found when you seek within. In other words, fake the deke and go high glove. No one’s figured that one out yet.

Brian Sutherby, Pisces . . . geez, this is worse than Sea World. You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. A three-point night might put that to rest.

Dainius Zubrus, Gemini . . . traits: adaptable, versatile, inconsistent. There is no point in wondering if what you are about to attempt will end in success or failure - the only way you will know for sure is by doing it. Mercury, your ruler, on good terms with power planet Pluto means there is precious little that you cannot do today - and a great deal that you can. That’s a lot of words to say you’ll be 1-2-3, +2 tonight.

Caps 5 – Panthers 2.

Meme Time -- If I Was a Hockey Player

This topic is circulating among the fellow wizards of this medium, and The Peerless couldn't let this opportunity slip by without a contribution. The Peerless encourages you to check out the links over there on the right to see what others' thoughts might be on the subject. In the meantime, ahem . . .

If I Was a Hockey Player:

Team: Washington Capitals

Uniform Number: 33

Position: Goaltender

Nickname: "Zeke"

Dream Linemates: we don’t have those at my position, but I want Rod Langway and Scott Stevens in front of me

Rounding out the PP: I don’t care, just keep the damn puck at the other end

Job: Breaking hearts of those who have dreams of Wayne Gretzky swimming in their addled little minds.

Signature Move: glove, covering the top corner

Strengths: quickness, anticipation

Weaknesses: handling the puck

Injury Problems? Left knee

Equipment: The same beat up funky old pads I’ve been wearing forever

Nemesis: None – I am their nemesis.

Scandal Involvement: 11.5 inch pads, the female cast of "Desperate Housewives"

Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals: Detroit Red Wings . . . going back to my roots to steal their dreams.

What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Take it home, hook it up to my DirecTV receiver and invite all the kids over to watch classic NHL games.

Would the media love me or hate me? They’d adore me – I can pound a subject and a verb together without it sounding like a coma-inducing cliché.