Friday, November 16, 2012

The REAL Brains Behind Bettman... Billy Ray Valentine

With no hockey to keep us occupied, we have partaken far too often of our favorite delicacy… pepperoni, anchovy, and marshmallow fluff pizza.  And doing it while watching a rerun of that classic comedy, “Trading Places,” had predictable effects.  Imagine the Duke Brothers – Randolph and Mortimer – replaced by Gary Bettman and Bill Daly, respectively, and you have the makings of the dream I had about who the real brains are behind the league…

Bill Daly: It's hit rock bottom. Come on, let's make a deal.  Tell the owners we’ll go for 50-50 in year 3... (on the intercom) call the owners; tell them we're prepared to make a deal with the union.  

Billy Ray: That's a big mistake, man.

Bill Daly: Valentine, this is very important, watch.

Billy Ray: You're going to get reamed on this one.

Gary Bettman: Why shouldn't we make the deal now, William?

Billy Ray: Players’ bank accounts are going to keep going down.

Bill Daly: Gary, this isn't Monopoly money we're playing with.

Gary Bettman: (on the intercom) This is Gary Bettman.  Hold that deal over a moment…  (turns to Billy Ray) Tell me why you think the price of the deal is going down.

Billy Ray: It's Christmas time. Everybody's uptight.

Bill Daly: Could we please make the deal now?

Billy Ray: If you want to lose money go ahead.

Gary Bettman: What are you trying to say?

Billy Ray: OK, players haven’t been paid in months.  So everybody's waiting for their bank accounts to hit rock bottom so they have to buy cheap stuff, like a Buick instead of a Ferrari.  The people with no money in their bank accounts are thinking, "Hey, we're losing all our money and Christmas is coming… I won't be able to buy my son the Sidney Crosby action figure the Kung Fu grip… And my wife won't make love to me ‘cos I ain't got no money.  They're panicking, screaming, “Make the deal! Make the Deal!”  They don't want to lose all their money.  They are panicking right now. I can feel it.  Look at them.

Gary Bettman: He's right, Bill, my God, look at them.

Billy Ray: I’d wait till you get to December 20th, then make the deal.  You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.

Gary Bettman: Do you realize how much money he just saved us?

Bill Daly: Money isn't everything, Gary.

Gary Bettman: (back to the intercom) Advise the owners that we’ll offer our last and best proposal on December 20th.  Mr Valentine has set the terms. 

…Well done, William.

…Very well done.