The REAL Brains Behind Bettman... Billy Ray Valentine

With no hockey to keep us occupied, we have partaken far too often of our favorite delicacy… pepperoni, anchovy, and marshmallow fluff pizza.  And doing it while watching a rerun of that classic comedy, “Trading Places,” had predictable effects.  Imagine the Duke Brothers – Randolph and Mortimer – replaced by Gary Bettman and Bill Daly, respectively, and you have the makings of the dream I had about who the real brains are behind the league…

Bill Daly: It's hit rock bottom. Come on, let's make a deal.  Tell the owners we’ll go for 50-50 in year 3... (on the intercom) call the owners; tell them we're prepared to make a deal with the union.  

Billy Ray: That's a big mistake, man.

Bill Daly: Valentine, this is very important, watch.

Billy Ray: You're going to get reamed on this one.

Gary Bettman: Why shouldn't we make the deal now, William?

Billy Ray: Players’ bank accounts are going to keep going down.

Bill Daly: Gary, this isn't Monopoly money we're playing with.

Gary Bettman: (on the intercom) This is Gary Bettman.  Hold that deal over a moment…  (turns to Billy Ray) Tell me why you think the price of the deal is going down.

Billy Ray: It's Christmas time. Everybody's uptight.

Bill Daly: Could we please make the deal now?

Billy Ray: If you want to lose money go ahead.

Gary Bettman: What are you trying to say?

Billy Ray: OK, players haven’t been paid in months.  So everybody's waiting for their bank accounts to hit rock bottom so they have to buy cheap stuff, like a Buick instead of a Ferrari.  The people with no money in their bank accounts are thinking, "Hey, we're losing all our money and Christmas is coming… I won't be able to buy my son the Sidney Crosby action figure the Kung Fu grip… And my wife won't make love to me ‘cos I ain't got no money.  They're panicking, screaming, “Make the deal! Make the Deal!”  They don't want to lose all their money.  They are panicking right now. I can feel it.  Look at them.

Gary Bettman: He's right, Bill, my God, look at them.

Billy Ray: I’d wait till you get to December 20^th, then make the deal.  You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.

Gary Bettman: Do you realize how much money he just saved us?

Bill Daly: Money isn't everything, Gary.

Gary Bettman: (back to the intercom) Advise the owners that we’ll offer our last and best proposal on December 20th.  Mr Valentine has set the terms. 

…Well done, William.

…Very well done.

Pep Talk, Bettman Style

With apologies to Knute Rockne and Bruce Bennett of Getty Images, who took this inspirational photograph.

Mr. Commissioner! Mr. Commissioner!!

By now hockey fans know that as these collective bargaining talks - few as they are - go on, Commissioner Gary Bettman is the voice of the National Hockey League.  He is the head negotiator for the league, he is the man at the microphone at the après-talk press conferences.

But what about the voices that speak to the Commissioner?  Oh, we are not talking about Deputy Commissioner Bill Daly or Philadelphia Flyer owner Ed Snider.  We are talking about the voice in the Commissioner’s own head.  The one that whispers to him as the questions are being asked, the one that cues him on the things he can think but never say.

Well, we are not “The Peerless” for nothing.  Using cutting-edge state-of-the-art technology fresh off the drawing boards of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency we were able to peer deep into the subconscious of the Commissioner, and we can bring to you what he really thinks when he is dutifully addressing the press…

photos: Bruce Bennett/Getty Images North America