Tuesday, October 04, 2005

The Peerless Prognosticator is BACK ON THE AIR!

"We’re li-i-i-i-i-i-ve in a bunker somewhere in Colorado with The Peerless Prognosticator . . . Peerless, how does it feel to be back after a year without hockey?"

Well, Brent, it feels . . . how the #@%& do you THINK it feels, you fetid tub of steaming goo?!?!? It feels GRRRRRRRRRREAT!

“So, Peerless . . . what’s on tap for this year?”

Hockey, you wrinkled goober!!!!! Geez, just give me the mic . . . I’ll take it from here.

Fans of the swooping eagle, it’s time to kick this pig and get this year started. Now I know, you’ve been wondering all summer about the Caps chances this year, but rest your weary selves . . . The Peerless is here to sort it all out. Let me just gaze into my magic crystal 8-ball and see what the spirits have to say about the season ahead . . .

October . . . the Caps open with what has to be the funniest lookin’ team on the planet . . . the Columbus Blue Jackets. But against Rick “I skate like a 1946” Nash and Nikolai “Schwervin’” Zherdev, the Caps send the home faithful happy with a big win. From there, they move through an October in which they actually play six . . . SIX!! home games. In a clever bit of GMery and coachin’-uppery, George McPhee and Glen Hanlon conspire to put the horses from that goofy horse show on the ice (one is conspicuous, though . . . the “Reekie” jersey gives it away) and actually play better defense than what was last seen in these parts. The Caps gallop off to a quick start outta the gate (in keeping with the equine theme) and race to the top of the Southeast Division. Ovechkin watch – a new statistic is born – number of penalties drawn in a game. He draws six in a game against the Rangers, and as Marek Malik is given two minutes for “desperate lunge as player with skill flies by,” John Davidson pronounces, “Ovechkin just had ‘an Alexander.’”

November . . . Scandal rocks the club in the first days of the new month as it is found that Screech, the mascot of the cross-town Nationals baseball club, is NOT the offspring of Slapshot. Seems Youppi was conoodling with another (rumored to be Ben Affleck . . . the real reason he’s been looking at settling in Virginia . . . Benouppi?). But nothing is slowing this club down as they swipe three unexpected road wins in Philadelphia, Toronto, and the Meadowlands. The titanic kickoff of the Ovechkin-Crosby smash-mouth smack-down death-match of doom takes place in Pittsburgh in an arena that looks for all the world like a zit on the face of southwestern Pennsylvania. We won’t divulge the details of that contest, but if you’ve read this space, you can probably guess whether there will be a happy ending. The month provides a happy ending as the Caps twist the groinage of their former big bucks star into a lump of angel hair pasta in a home and home twin killing. Ovechkin watch – In response to a groundswell of interest from fans, Ovechkin makes a statement, “I prefer pumpkin to apple pie for Thanksgiving.”

December . . . Merry Freakin’ Doo-dah Christmas! The Caps are the talk of the town! Hail to the Red-what? They’ve even pushed LaVar to page 2 of the Post! As the burgundy and gold slide once more into the ooze of an 8-8 season, it’s the bleu-blanc-et-bronze that is capturing the hearts and minds of the city. Alexander Ovechkin (The Peerless will not sully the dignity of the young fellow by addressing him as “Alex”) is raising eyebrows, which makes for a lot of startled looking people. But, on the other end of the spectrum, Olaf Kolzig is reawakening chants of “O-lie, O-lie, O-lie” with his play. Even Brendan Witt can be heard to remark . . . “trade? . . . I wanna stay here forever . . . I want to stay here so bad, I’ll have Cristian Guzman’s baby!” Brendan seems a bit over-excited over the Caps hot start. Ovechkin watch – New world record . . . even strength, power play, shorthanded, penalty shot, empty net . . . and shootout. Mario who?

January . . . we’re into the dog days of the season, but it’s the Caps treating the opposition like dogs . . . Atlanta…woof! . . . Ottawa…arf! . . . Philadelphia . . . “bah-roooooooooooooo!!!” Ovechkin leads the league in scoring, Kolzig in GAA . . . and what’s this? The first murmurings of Brendan Witt for the Norris? Pinch me, The Peerless is dreaming (you got THAT right, bub…). Even the second installment of Bird-Magic . . . uh, Ovechkin-Crosby is a lopsided affair . . . whosyerdaddywhosyerdaddywhosyerdaddy . . . Ovechkin watch – Calder voting is closed, Ovechkin declared winner by acclamation.

February . . . The Caps give their fans a great big, wet, R-rated Valentine kiss by heading into the Olympic break with a stompization of the Penguins on home ice. Sidney has a new nickname . . . “dead meat.” Kwame Brown is quoted in the Los Angeles Times that he wants to come back to DC to play power forward for the Caps. When the Caps return from the break, they pick up right where they left off by topping Toronto to finish the month while in . . .

March . . . they overwhelm Ottawa, and . . . and . . . something something Atlanta, all on the road. Things are so good, even John Buccigross dedicates a song in his ESPN column to the Caps . . . and it’s actually one that people have heard of! At the trade deadline, Caps have to install banks of telephones to handle calls from agents trying to finagle a deal for their clients to the surprise team of the season (“George! . . . if I can get the club to bite on the rights to Nepriayev, I get deliver Iginla to you!”). Ovechkin watch – Wayne Gretzky offers Ovechkin chance to wear ‘99’ . . . Ovechkin declines, “I want to retire number ‘8’.”

April . . . the regular season winds to a close, the Caps have long since clinched the number one seed in the East, Ted is contemplating getting Abe to add another balcony to MCI to handle the crowds for 2006-2007 (Dan Snyder has some ideas for “obstructed view” seats), even Bill Clement has nice words for the Caps (“ . . . they don’t suck”). Ted’s made so much money on attendance and merchandise (‘8’ sweaters are the biggest selling sports apparel item in the world), he declares that playoff tickets will be free (Snyder busts a blood vessel at the news). Ovechkin watch – the youngster declares, “I’ll do better in the playoffs.”

Rumors spread of teams in a panic, thinking of mass forfeits . . .

The playoffs . . . ah, but we get ahead of ourselves. Stay tuned.

-- The Peerless

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