It's Sunday, and we're rewinding back to 2003 -- November, in fact, when the Caps were bad and getting worse. They had just dropped a 3-2 decision to the Kings in Los Angeles to drop to 3-11-1, and were prepared to take on the Carolina Hurricanes. We penned this in honor of a day in the life of a Cap...
Welcome, one and . . . well, one . . . to another edition of The Peerless Prognostication, this time brought to you by . . . Off Track Betting . . . where you have a better chance of winning than do the Caps these days.
Re”Cap” of Caps versus Kings . . . well, that sure was a royal pain, wasn’t it (thought we’d get started with humor, because if you can’t laugh at yourselves, you can laugh at the score)? Once more, the boys got the starting time mixed up, thinking that the game started at 8:45 instead of 7:00. There was little good to be gained, which (like Coach Cassidy’s advice to just recycle the stories about the Sharks game) was just like the Sharks game. Tonight, it is an easier (which is not the same thing these days as “easy”) foe, the Hurricanes of Carolina . . . so what’s in store? Only The Peerless knows . . .
Game Day . . . so, what does a player on a team with a losing record do on game days. The Peerless peers into the peephole to find out . . .
7:00 . . . alarm goes off . . . hit snooze button
7:10 . . . snooze alarm goes off . . . hit button again
7:20 . . . snooze alarm goes off . . . throw clock against wall
8:45 . . . wake up, curse the Gods that you’re still in Washington
8:50 . . . take care of personal hygiene and grooming matters
9:10 . . . breakfast and the news paper . . . read Post sports section front page article on train wreck that is Caps . . . throw bowl of Cap’n Crunch against wall . . . note to self: should have cleaned up bowl thrown at wall yesterday, things are starting to pile up.
9:30 . . . get in car to drive to pre-game skate
9:31 . . . realize you forgot keys . . . head back to house
9:32 . . . oops . . . locked self out
9:33 . . . punch up number of locksmith on cell phone . . . realize battery has run down
9:34 . . . go next door to neighbor to ask if you can use phone . . . scamper away when neighbor shouts, “Honey, call the police, there’s a man with a weird accent at the door; I think he’s a terrorist”
9:40 . . . find pay phone, realize you don’t have spare change to make call
9:45 . . . ask passerby if he has 35 cents for a phone call . . . what luck, he’s a hockey fan! . . . “Uh, aren’t you the one who makes $11 million a year?” What awful luck, a knowledgeable hockey fan (not a BoD member, apparently).
9:50 . . . scour local 7-11 parking lot for lost change . . . find 35 cents . . . a Canadian dime, two nickels, and five pennies . . . go inside to ask for a quarter and dime for a call . . . cashier can’t understand your accent, you can’t understand his . . . cashier activates silent alarm, thinking you’re a robber.
10:00 . . . police arrive, sort out the facts, charge you with robbery (“I’ve seen you play . . . you SHOULD be arrested for stealing money”) . . . oh, hot dog, another hockey fan.
10:20 . . . arrive at local precinct, get booked and taken to holding . . . allowed one phone call (YIPPEE!! . . . FI-nally) . . . busy signal at Piney Orchard.
10:30 . . . call Ted . . . assistant says he’s in a meeting, although you can hear him in the background
11:15 . . . Ted arrives . . . seems he had a change of heart . . . “don’t get all blubbery . . . it’s coming out of your paycheck.”
1:00 . . . Ted pulls into MCI Center to drop you off . . . “aren’t we going to have lunch?” . . . “Don’t push yer luck . . .”
1:20 . . . arrive in locker room . . . you’re the first one there . . . spend next hour writing letter to old girl friend
2:20 . . . Can’t think of anything past “Dear Andrea . . .”
2:30 . . . Coaches arrive, wonder what you’re doing here . . . “you missed the morning skate” . . . “locked myself out of house, got taken to jail” . . . “geez, you’ll make up any story these days . . . it’s still gonna cost ya a fine . . .”
3:00 . . . Players begin to arrive . . . “hey, what are you doing here so early?” . . . “forgot keys to car, locked myself out of house, got arrested” . . . “He trying that story on you too?”
3:30 . . . stretching (no, not the truth)
4:00 . . . work on sticks, catch a few glimpses of news story of suspected terrorist in Severn Park masquerading as a hockey player.
5:00 . . . work on stationary bike . . . “should get one of these . . . can’t lose keys”
5:45 . . . Start to get dressed . . . “why doesn’t anyone like me here?”
6:00 . . . “the rose goes in the front, big guy”
6:30 . . . head out for pre-game warm up
6:31 . . . head back to locker room after pre-game warm up
7:00 - 9:30 . . . skates some, sits some, scores a goal, gets an assist . . . Caps win 3-2.
9:45 . . . the pen you were using to write that letter to your ex broke, ink all over your clothes . . .
9:50 . . . oh, geez, what else can go wrong . . .
9:55 . . . “George wants to see you in the coaches’ office
10:00 . . . “You’ve been traded . . .” . . . “to New York??” . . . “Nashville”