Sunday, January 25, 2009

Well...The All-Star Game is in the books

Tooth cleaning…

Doing my taxes…

Scrubbing grout…

Question?...What is as exciting as watching the NHL All-Star Game?

What a farce. Why even bother? Guys skating at three-quarters speed, trick shots, goalies who make deer-in-headlights look like steely-eyed monsters. We’re sure the guys had fun out there, but that was just about unwatchable. 22 goals? Goalies did more fishing out of the back of the net than you’ll see on "Sports Fishing Magazine" on Versus. It had the look of a picnic softball game with guys chatting with their counterparts on the ice, blue-line hanging, cheating out of the zone, and all the other sorts of things that would drive a coach nuts. Even the Versus announcers – Mike Emrick and Brian Engblom – more or less mailed it in, engaging as much in conversational voice-overs as in describing the play. Are we being a party-pooper? OK, maybe. Guess you had to be there.

But what’s wrong with this picture?

OK, not to single out Tomas Kaberle (although we’ll have more to say about him in a bit), but this was what passed for defense all night. Guys waving sticks as skaters were going by. It looked like Bingo Night at Creaky Pines Rest Home with all the old folks and their canes.

Some odditites…

Fitting… He sucks at Gimmicks (0-for-3 this year, 3-for 19 over the last three years), so it figures Alex Ovechkin would score the winner on a Gimmick.

Being There… if they film a remake of the movie, Vincent Lecavalier will star. No goals, no assists, missed on a Gimmick, plus-four. He had a good look at a lot of stuff.

Overrated… Ryan Getzlaf was the only forward without a point for the West. OK, he’s not overrated, but maybe he should holster his remarks about others and their all-star performances.

Two… the number of shots Ovechkin took. That matches the fewest shots on goal he’s had in a game this season (Carolina, November 6th).

For the record… there was one hit – Keith Tkachuk on Alex Kovalev at 14:11 of the second period. Oddly enough, it came only 36 seconds after Kovalev scored the second of his two goals. It was the closest this game looked to a real hockey game.

The “Riley Cote Award,” given to the player with the least amount of ice time (Cote has averaged 4:03 in 34 games this year) goes to Zach Parise – 13:39.

The “Just Happy to Be Here Trophy” goes to Thomas Vanek. One shot (he’s tied for third in goals scored), no points, minus-3 in 16 minutes and change.

The West had 89 shot attempts in 65 minutes. There are nights when both teams in a game won’t record that many. Should goalies have hazard pay written into their contracts for these games?

If there was an award for efficiency, Eric Staal might have won it… one shot, one goal… two faceoffs taken, two faceoffs won. That was pretty much his night.

Tomas Kaberle isn’t going to put this on in the scrapbook. Yes, he had two assists, but he was also a minus-3 and was not only the only skater for the East without a shot on goal, he was the only skater for either team not to have attempted a shot. Shoot, Christine Simpson had two shots blocked.

True or false, Stephane Robidas was an all-star. Just testing. Be honest, could you name five defensemen in this game without looking at the program?

Here is the obligatory Sidney Crosby picture… behold the Crosbyliciousness:

19 different skaters scored goals. Prom night doesn’t have that much scoring going on.

19 different skaters had assists. This game qualified for tax deductions under the category, “charitable contributions.”

Thanks, everyone. Drive safely. We’ll be here all week – try the veal!

No comments: