Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Hired Stick...er, Gun

Jack Morris was a pitcher who toiled for 18 seasons in major league baseball. The first 14 of them were spent in the employ of the Detroit Tigers, with whom he won a World Series title in 1984. His last four seasons, however, were spent as a “hurler-for-hire” who shopped his talents to contenders, settling in Minnesota, Toronto, and Cleveland, and winning titles with both Minnesota and Toronto.

Why are we thinking of Jack Morris this morning? Well, because we’re wondering, where is Marian Hossa going to end up next? Last summer he rolled the dice, concluded that the Detroit Red Wings had a better chance than did the Pittsburgh Penguins to win a Stanley Cup… and lost.

Where to now, Marian?

Detroit? He could re-sign with the Red Wings, but that whole “come back next year with steely determination to vanquish those who vanquished me” is so derivative. It’s so “Sidney.”

Pittsburgh? Yeah, right. We’re not seeing Hossa going all Brenda Lee… “I'm sorry, so sorry. Please accept my apology, but love is blind, and I was too blind to see…”

Washington? Hey, the Caps need a right winger… Hossa’s a right winger. The Caps could use a guy with some playoff experience… Hossa’s been in the last two Cup finals. The Caps have this “red” theme… Hossa’s looked good in Ottawa red and Red Wing red. Washington has no cap room… Hossa wants $6 million a year. OK, so much for that.

Chicago? Hmm… there’s that whole “slay the Red Wings dragon” angle they could play, with Hossa playing the St. George role.

San Jose? Well, if you want to get as far away as possible from Detroit and Pittsburgh, this is as good as place as any, and they play pretty good hockey there… at least until April. Hossa would fit right in.

Philly? Mmm…not unless he learns how to play goalie. But Philly shoves anybody back there.

The Rangers? Hey, they have cap room to burn. They also have 11 roster players who are restricted or unrestricted free agents, and another spot opened up when Markus Naslund retired, so they have a lot of hiring to do. We’re surprised Larry Brooks hasn’t yet penned a column on Hossa’s imminent arrival (he’s busy pining for another Marian at the moment). Besides, they probably still have some old “Hossa” jerseys around.

Montreal? Hey… they might have some old “Hossa” sweaters lying around, too.

Carolina? Nuthin’ could be finah than to get paid in Carolina playin’ ho-o-o-o-o-o-ckey. And it’s not like Hossa would be unfamiliar with the surroundings. He’s played hockey the Southeast before. Oh, my mistake, he played in Atlanta.

We’re just getting this odd lyric spinning through our head…

“A check in the hand may be quite Kontinental…but L.A. is a guy’s best friend.”


Flying Cloud said...

Hilarious. Thanks, that made it worthwhile to come in to work today!

Hooks Orpik said...

My question is how the heck is Detroit gonna fit Hossa in?

According to nhlnumbers.com, Detroit's got $51 million for 16 players next season. Even if Hossa signs a front-loaded contract it's not going to lower his salary that much (Franzen and Zetterberg's cap hit is only about $1 million than their "real" salary)

Is Detroit going to trade Brad Stuart ($3.75 million) and/or cut ties with Holmstrom ($2.25m) and Draper ($1.5m).

The Red Wings have had remarkably low roster turnover these past 18-24 months, but that's about to change I think.

The Peerless said...

Michael Rosenberg over at the Detroit Free Press opines that Hossa might be kept at the expense of Mikael Samuelson (a goner in any case, probably) and Jiri Hudler, but that only gets the Wings about a third of the way they'd have to go to fit a $6 million contract under their cap. Draper could be a goner with the way Darren Helm played, but now they're about two-thirds to Hossa's price tag. Ken Holland has some work to do.