Simmons is no stranger to the subject, and in fact might have an attachment to it that goes beyond what might be considered “healthy.” As he notes, he once wrote a column titled, “The 13 Levels of Losing,” which runs the gamut from “a Cinderella team hangs tough against a heavy favorite, but the favorite somehow prevails in the end” to “Game 6 of the 1986 World Series ... one of a kind ... maybe the most catastrophic sports loss of our lifetime.” Simmons admits to being a Red Sox fan, so his perspective might be tinged with bias.
But to the point… In today’s essay Simmons tries to quantify the ”Level 1” defeat:
(Guillotine + Stomach Punch) x (already tortured history) x (significance of the game itself) x (catchy moniker) = Level 1.
He then goes on to describe in detail the variables, those variables being:
1. You need at least a 35-year drought without a title.
2. That 35-year rule doesn't apply to relocations.
3. During that 35-plus years without a title, it's not enough to lose. You need to have your guts wrenched a few times.
4. Only teams in cold-weather cities are eligible for Level 1 unless the situation is so cruel/unusual/unforgiving that it's practically unprecedented.
5. You need to be just pessimistic enough to keep your guard up for a sucker punch but just optimistic enough to keep lowering your guard at the worst possible time.
6. Outsiders need to instinctively empathize during a Level 1 takedown.
This last one comes with something of a qualifier, and here its relevance to the Capitals becomes clear. Simmons notes that one factor that could affect the empathetic variable is
“…steady losing devoid of playoff nightmares (like the Lions or Saints). This clause unfortunately rules out fans of the following teams: the Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Bruins, Chicago Blackhawks, Cincinnati Bengals, Denver Nuggets, Detroit Lions, Houston Astros, Kansas City Chiefs, L.A. Clippers, L.A. Kings, Miami Dolphins, Milwaukee Brewers, Milwaukee Bucks, Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, San Diego Chargers, San Diego Padres, St. Louis Blues, Texas Rangers, Vancouver Canucks and Washington Capitals (emphasis added).”
Bill, we don’t know just how much you follow the Washington Capitals, but in fact, the club has not had a history of “steady losing,” and in fact once had a 14-year string of making the NHL playoffs. Even when that streak was broken, the Caps did make the playoffs in four of ten years. Not consistent winning, certainly, but hardly “steady losing (like the Lions or Saints).”
In fact, the Capitals might be a sufficiently tortured fan base as to qualify as a “Level 1” item on the Simmons torture scale. Let’s look at the argument for the other five variables…
1. You need at least a 35-year drought without a title.
The Capitals are about to unveil a 35-year patch celebrating their 35 years as an NHL franchise. Number of titles won: zero. Number of times they played in the finals for a title: one.
2. That 35-year rule doesn't apply to relocations.
Unless you count the “Landover-to-DC” move, the Caps have never relocated. Not that it almost didn’t happen.
3. During that 35-plus years without a title, it's not enough to lose. You need to have your guts wrenched a few times.
Two words, “Pittsburgh Penguins.” OK, three more words, “New York Islanders.” Let’s look at the latter first. Before most Caps fans these days were alive (or had yet discovered hockey), the Islanders were the older brother making life utterly miserable for the Caps. The first time the Caps made the playoffs, it was against the Islanders in 1983. The Caps actually won a game but lost the best-of-five series, 3-1. In fact, the Islanders would be the team that eliminated the Caps in each of the first three occasions that Washington made the playoffs.
In 1986 the Caps finally turned the tables, but that was merely a crumb to torture Caps fans for what would take place the following year – the Easter Sunday game. That was the year—1987 – that the Islanders went well into Easter Sunday morning before Pat Lafontaine took a pass from behind the Caps net in the fourth overtime and –CLANG!- drove a stake into the heart of Caps Nation.
By the time the Islanders would eliminate the Caps one last time (in 1993), another team stepped up to become the Caps’ master of torture – the Pittsburgh Penguins. From 1991 through last season, the Penguins and Capitals played in eight playoff series. The Penguins have won seven of them. Three times the Caps lost after taking 3-1 leads in games, and on two other occasions they lost after taking 2-0 leads in games. On another occasion they clinched a series in overtime, on a Capitals turnover at their own blue line that resulted in a breakaway. Only in 2000 did the Penguins end the Caps’ misery quickly, but even that didn’t come without pain – that was the year that arena scheduling forced the series to play games 2 and 3 in Pittsburgh, even though the Caps had home ice advantage and should have had games 1 and 2 in Washington.
But last year’s playoff series might have been especially painful. The Caps took the regular season series from the Penguins (3-0-1) and then took a 2-0 lead in games. But the Caps then lost the next three to Pittsburgh, only to fight back to win game 6 in overtime on Penguin ice to force a game 7 in Washington. Then, early in that game 7 contest, all-world Alex Ovechkin had the puck on his stick and was in alone on Penguin goalie Marc-Andre Fleury on a breakaway early in the contest. If Ovechkin scores there, the crowd gets into the game, and the guys start feeling good about themselves, well… But Ovechkin didn’t score, the Penguins buried the Caps under an avalanche of shots, and Pittsburgh walked out with a 6-2 win.
Oh, and we won’t even speak the name, “Esa Tikkanen.” I think Caps fans have had their guts wrenched a few times.
4. Only teams in cold-weather cities are eligible for Level 1 unless the situation is so cruel/unusual/unforgiving that it's practically unprecedented.
If Washington is considered part of the “mid-Atlantic region,” it is one they share with Pennsylvania, and thus might be considered a cold-weather city. It sure ain’t Miami.
5. You need to be just pessimistic enough to keep your guard up for a sucker punch but just optimistic enough to keep lowering your guard at the worst possible time.
There might not be any team, certainly in the NHL, with a fan base as convinced of the utter inevitability of losing as Caps fans… unless they go up 3-1 in a playoff series or play a game 7. Then Caps fans think, "well, maybe..." The Caps are 2-5 in game 7’s.
In creating his “formula for torture,” Simmons says that
“you need to have all of those things. The Norwood Game [when he missed a field goal against the New York Giants that would have made the Buffalo Bills Super Bowl champions] seems like a Level 1 loss in retrospect, but Bills fans weren't fully tortured yet. Only AFTER the agony of that defeat did they become Level 1 eligible. Same for Browns fans after The Drive paved the way for the Byner Fumble a year later. The key is 'fully tortured.' You can't be a little tortured or pretty much tortured. You have to be fully tortured."
Bill, we’re fully tortured. It makes us that much more appreciative of how the Caps are playing these days. It’s been a glorious ride so far this season, one that might make Caps fans think that this – finally – is the year.
Still…
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