Saturday, October 07, 2006

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR -- Caps vs. Canes, October 7, 2006

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!!!!

It’s Opening Night in Hockeytown! No, really. Hey, don’t give me any nonsense about Detroit. When someone goes on the radio and renders spittle into the microphone like this over the hockey team, talk to me. In the meantime . . .

We’re here outside VerMCIzon Center, where throngs of Caps fans are participating in the opening night festivities. Some of the fun things to do that you won’t hear about on the official press release . . .

“Dress-Up McPhee.” For the young ladies among our hockey fans, they get a model of General Manager George McPhee to dress in business suit or hockey uniform. Unfortunately, all the outfits are in black.

“What’s Next Alex?” . . . He’s taken batting practice; he’s thrown out the first pitch, he’s got a hole-in-one on his resume. Fans get to guess, “what’s next, Alex?” Will he ride at Pimlico? Take snaps at Redskin Park? Challenge guard Gilbert Arenas to a one-on-one? Winner gets to man the nets to face a few Ovechkin wristers and slap shots – pads optional.

“ChauffOlie” . . . the newest in electronic game technology . . . you get to sit in the driver’s seat of Olaf Kolzig’s Maserati and try to get him from his house to MCI Center on time for a 7 pm contest. Only one hitch . . . it’s rush hour. No cheating by trying to listen to Traffic on the 8’s on WTOP, either. Good luck.

“Pie Me, Dude!” . . . Fans get three tries to throw a pie in their favorite Cap player’s face. Sorry, Bryan Muir will not be available; fans might try to toss other things, like tomatoes . . . or worse.

“Zed Bread” . . . local bakeries will be selling loaves in the image of Caps’ fans favorite #20.

“Ted Heads” . . . Fans will be given goatees as they enter the arena . . . one lucky fan will be chosen to write the next Owner’s Corner to try to break the world land speed record for clichés.

As for the game . . .

The Caps come in dinged up, and that is on top of being banged up by the Rangers on Thursday night. Matt Bradley and Matt Pettinger are out. Tarik tells us in this morning's Washington Post that Brooks Laich and Boyd Gordon were nicked in the Ranger game and might not play. One also wonders if Alex Ovechkin is 100 percent after a largely silent preseason and a blank scoresheet in the opener. Perhaps that knee injury he suffered early on in the preseason is a little more that what the club has been telling folks. It all begs the question of who is coming down from Hershey. Just in case, though, fans might want to bring skates . . .

The Stanley Cup Champion Carolina Hurricanes come in without a win in either of their first two games – a shootout loss to Buffalo and a shutout at the hands of New Jersey and Martin Brodeur, both at home. The Peerless prognosticates that they will be in an angry mood.

But in light of the medical situation and the caliber and attitude of the team the Caps are playing, it’s time to let The General say what needs to be said to the troops . . .

Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a hockey game by taking a penalty for his team. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard take a penalty for his team. Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about the Caps not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the contest, is a lot of horse dung. Caps traditionally love to fight. All real Caps love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big league ball player, the toughest boxer. Caps fans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Caps play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That’s why Caps have never lost and will never lose a game. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Capitals.

Now, a hockey club is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, checks as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for ESPN don’t know anything more about real hockey games than they do about fornicating.

We have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit and the best men in the world. You know, by God I actually pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to check the bastards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to tape the blades of our sticks. We’re going to hit those lousy Hurricane bastards by the bushel.

Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll chicken out under fire. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Hurricanes are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Check them into the boards. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. Let Carolina do that. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose.

There’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what did you do in the great National Hockey League, you won’t have to say, "Well, I shoveled shit in DC."

Alright now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Oh, and I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle – anytime, anywhere.

That’s all.

Caps 4 – Carolina 2

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