The bad news is, you need surgery...
...and the bad news is, you're going to be suspended.
And for those of you keeping score, that means none of the Sabres' captains from last year will be on the ice on opening night. Daniel Briere and Chris Drury having signed with other teams. This will leave coach Lindy Ruff pondering his options. The Peerless, being a helping sort, has some suggestions:
Captain Merrill Stubing. Master of the Love Boat; if he was given the "C," HSBC Arena might be renamed, "The Love Shack."
Captain Barney Miller. Leader of the ol' one-two, he at least has the experience of trying to interpret some sort of rule book.
Captain Frank Furillo. Perhaps not the best choice. He spent too much time canoodling with Joyce Davenport, and everyone knows that Sgt. Phil Esterhaus ran the Hill Street precinct, anyway.
Captain Wallace B. Binghamton. "Ol' Leadbottom"...he has the experience of screaming at his nemesis, Lt. Cmdr. Quinton McHale, which might come in handy dealing with the Ron Koharski's and Kerry Fraser's of the world.