Friday, January 21, 2011

The NHL Guardian League Will Now Come to Order

OK, settle down…I’d like to bring this inaugural meeting of The NHL Guardian League to order.

Hey, who made YOU the chair, anyway? Just because you’re from Washington, that don’t make you in charge, Capital.

Someone has to do it. Besides, who is going to do it…you?

Well, I am The King…the regal ambassador of The City of Angels.

No, you’re a ticket taker at the Regal Cinemas at the Oxnard Mall.

Well, how about me?

You? The “bold, brazen lightning rod of the Florida Gulf Coast?” One fuse blows, and you’re in the dark, pal. And here’s a tip, Lightning…that whole blue Mohawk thing…makes you look like an extra from the road show of Freaks on Ice.


Will someone help up The Oiler before his oil slick spreads all over the room?

Oh, and will someone get The Predator a handkerchief or something…he’s drooling that radioactive plasma all over the table. We have to eat here!

Did someone say, “eat?”

Hey Blackhawk – you who control the element of wind – the last time we ordered in, we were smelling your “wind” for the rest of the afternoon. Can we get back to business?...

Move over…

What? I’m just sittin’ here.

You’re touching me!

No I’m not, now pay attention.

I said…move over!


Hey! You two want to knock it off? Pipe down, Bruin…last time you roared you petrified half the room, and besides, you know Hurricane…he’s got that whole personality “as wild as the weather” thing going, which is fine as long as you don’t upset him. So let’s all be nice and quiet and…


Penguin, what is your problem?

It’s The Devil…he gave me hot foot and melted my ice sheet.

Devil, look…we’ve been over this. We know you’re the “underworld maverick” and “master matter manipulator,” but you’ve got to stop going around playing these pranks on your fellow Guardians. It looks bad on all of us, you know?

Hey, I’m The Devil…I’m supposed to be bad. Kinda goes with the suit, right?

I’m hungry.

You’re always hungry Wild. OK, maybe we can agree on lunch. What do we want?



Ok, Ok…settle down, Shark. I don’t think…what’s that racket out there?


Red Wing. That whole “power of a formula one racer and a fighter jet” thing is getting really old. Bunch of noisy crap is what it is. And he looks like he’s pedaling a Schwinn, not racing a Formula One car.

Can I sonar blast him?

No, Canuck, you can’t.

Awwwww….this Guardian League is no fun.

So sayeth the “resident guardian sage.”

Hey, don’t go jumping all over Canuck like that. You have something against Canada?

Settle down, Canadien. You might be a big deal as the legendary protector of Quebec, but don’t get your bleu, blanc, et rouge in a bunch.

Hey guys…guys…look. I got a new weapon.

Uh, Blue Jacket, we know you are supposed to have a dazzling array of weaponry, but this is bordering on creepy. What is it this time?

Hey, Blue Jacket, is that a large hadron collider in your pants, or are you just glad to be here?

Shut up, Lava Balls.

Make me!

Alright, that’s enough, Flame. I think it’s getting just a little bit tense in here.

I might be able to help with that, Capital.

Uh, yeah… Star. You’re the new one, aren’t you? Well, I understand you can manipulate magnetic tension fields, but let’s just hold off on that for now. You’re new here, and maybe you need to settle in. You got here in pretty good time.

The solar winds were with me.

That’s good. Now… ok, who took my notes?


Flyer! Practicing that telekinesis thing again, I see. OK, where’d you put my notes for the meeting? And will you PLEASE not bring that titanium eagle pet of yours to our meetings? He’s crapping all over the table.

Hey, let me clean that up…

Uh, thanks Sabre. Your being able to manipulate water comes in handy from time to time. Now guys, here’s the deal. We’re going to have 10 more Guardians joining the league soon, and…

I’m not giving up my chair.

No one is asking you to, Bruin. Besides, the last thing we want is to make you start roaring again and turning the whole operation a bunch of petrified statues. What I’m saying is…

Did we decide on lunch?


Now cut that out!

OK, OK…Shark, we’re not having sushi, we haven’t even…

I’d like some sushi…

Yeah, we know, Penguin. But that fish-breath of yours would stop a sea elephant.

I vote Tex-Mex.

You ALWAYS vote Tex-Mex, Flame.

Hey, what can I say, I like spicy hot food.

Just bottled water for me.

Bottled water for Sabre…now, can we please get on with our business? Now what’s the next item on the agenda?

First item, you mean…some chairman YOU are.

OK, Penguin, you think you’re the top dog around here just because Bettman likes you best, but you… hey, who’s flashing the lights on and off?....LIGHTNING!

I love that bit!

Makes a seven-foot tall bird just want to let out a sonic scream….

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