Saturday, February 23, 2013

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!!! - Game 17: Devils at Capitals, February 23rd

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!!!

Go-o-o-o-o-od morning, Wash-ing-ton!

Hey, this is not a test. This is rock and roll. Time to rock it from the White House ‘cross the DMV! Is that me, or does that sound like a Bill Clinton speech?  Hey, DMV…. Oh, hey, DMV. DMV me, DMV me. Why don't they get a rope and impeach me?

Hey, is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late. It's 0600. What's the "0" stand for? Oh, my God, it's early. Speaking of early, how about that Cro-Magnon, Marty Dreiwitz? Thank you, Marty, for "silky-smooth sound." Make me sound like John Boehner!

Wrong speed. We've got it on the wrong speed. For those of you worried about sequestration, that's gonna sound just right. Let's put her right back down. Let's try it a little faster, see if that picks it up a little bit. Those Tea Partiers are going, "I really like the music. I really like the music. I really like the music." Oh, it's still a bad speech.

Hey, wait a minute. Let's try something. Let's play this backwards and see if it gets any better. “Obama is a devil.” yeff-yiv-yeee… “Obama is a devil.”

Picture a man going on a journey beyond sight and sound. He's left the real world. He's entered the Senate Chamber. All right. Hey, what is this "Senate Chamber"? What do they mean, "World’s Greatest Deliberative Body"? Sounds like a couple of cops in Dupont Circle, "You know, she looks pretty to me." Hey, whatever it is, I like it because it gets you on your toes better than a bowl of Ben’s chili.

What is a deliberative body? Sounds like something out of The Wizard of Oz, Oh, no, don't go in there. Oh-we-oh Har-ry Reid.  Oh, look, you've landed in the Senate. You're among the little people now. We represent the big oil money… the big oil money… the big oil money.  Oh, no! Follow the campaign check trail. Follow the campaign check trail. "Oh, I'll get you, my pretty!" Oh, my God. It's the wicked witch of the north. It's Mitch McConnell! "Now, little Democrat, you and your little 'filibuster' too!"

"Oh, Peerless. Peerless. What are you doing, Peerless?" Oh, Hannity, you hack. You've been down on everything but the Keystone Pipeline. Stop it right now.

Hey, uh, hi. Can you help me? What's your name?

"My name's Albert E. Albert."

Albert, what town do you represent?  

"I represent Mother Earth."

Well, thank you, Albert. What's the weather like out there?

"It's hot. Damn hot! Real hot! How’s THAT for an inconvenient truth?!"  

Well, can you tell me what it feels like.

"Fool, it's hot! I told you again! Were you born on the sun? It's damn hot! It's so damn hot, I saw little guys on K Street, their $1,500 suits burst into flames. It's that hot! Do you know what I'm talking about."

What do you think it's going to be like tonight?

"It's gonna be hot and wet! That's nice if you're with a lady, but it ain't no good if you're on the Mall."

Thank you, Albert. Here's a song coming your way right now. "Nowhere To Run To" by Martha and the Vandellas. Yes! Hey, you know what I mean!

Too much?


Maybe it is too much, but then again, maybe now the New Jersey Devils are out of bed and feeling a little groggy.  It can only help, because for the Washington Capitals it is like the song says, “nowhere to run to.”  They are in 15th place in the Eastern Conference, 30th in the NHL.  There is no longer anywhere to run to.  They have to win… now… today.  And Tuesday.  And Wednesday.

But today at high noon they get the New Jersey Devils in the second half of their double-header at Verizon Center.  We covered the particulars in the prognosto on Thursday, so let’s get right to the keys…

1.  Be Better at Even Strength.  The Caps were outshot, 30-12, at even strength on Thursday.  They have been outscored, 35-26, at 5-on-5 this season.  They have been outscored, 3-1, by the Devils in their two meetings so far this season.  Be better at even strength.

2.  Stay out of the box.  The Caps are 24th in penalty killing this season.  Only seven teams have found themselves shorthanded more often.  That’s a really bad mix.  What it means is that only Detroit has allowed more power play goals than have the Caps.  They have not won a game in regulation when allowing the opponent more than three power play opportunities. While they are 10-12 in penalty killing against the Devils in two games, the problem number there is “12.”  Too, too many opportunities.

3.  Memory loss.  The Caps are the only team – the only team – in the NHL that does not have a winning record when leading after two periods.  If they get a lead after 40 minutes, maybe they need to forget the good stuff that got them there and treat the third period as 0-0.  Stay thirsty, my friends… for wins.

Capitals 3 – Devils 2

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