Sunday, December 25, 2022

We Interrupt Our Hockey for... Figgy Pudding SPAM!!!

We take a break from hockey for a moment to bring you a public service.  You might have heard that Hormel Foods, the folks who bring us SPAM, got into the holiday spirit and offered us “Figgy Pudding SPAM” to enhance the holiday experience with flavored canned meat.  We decided to see what this was all about and purchased a can.  But we were getting cold feet about actually trying it.  However, as today is Christmas, the season of miracles, we finally succumbed to the charms of “FPS” – Figgy Pudding SPAM – and gave it a try.  Here, we share with you our experience.

And here we have the star of the show in all its packaging splendor.  If you have no idea what “figgy pudding” is or that it is a traditional staple of Christmas, the holly on top of the SPAMwreath on the plate gives it away.  The “flavor, spice, and everything nice” is a nice touch, too, although the “flavor” thing is a bit ominous.

Here, FPS takes its place of honor among the other items in our Christmas breakfast repast – two farm-fresh eggs and whole grain bread that will be toasted to a golden brown, the perfect complements to the figginess of the SPAM.

We decided to take a look at the ingredients, to see just what we were getting into, and we see that “pork with ham” is the main ingredient (although ham being a pork product, there seems to be a bit of redundancy here).  Sugar is next on the list, which I suppose would not be surprising, the sweetness being a part of the “figgy” experience.  After that, the ingredients read like something I might have found in my Organic Chemistry 351 class in college.  And of course, there is the propylene glycol, so if my car runs low on anti-freeze, I can just add a few spoonfuls of this concoction.  Note: no figs.

When we moved on to the nutrition facts, the first thing that hit us was the absence of dietary fiber.  Good thing we added the two slices of whole grain toast to the menu.  And those percentages of daily values for total fat, cholesterol, and sodium…yeesh.  Makes fruitcake soaked in egg nog almost seem like health food.

Opening the traditional pull-tab covering to reveal the treasure within, we find that FPS has the familiar look of traditional SPAM – vaguely meat-like and with the pure geometry that the SPAM “chunk” has that we have grown to know, if not exactly love. 

And here is the de-canned product in all its schloopy goodness.  One would be hard pressed to find someone who did not recognize this for what it is – America’s favorite canned meat product.  And many among you have your SPAM stories to tell, no doubt.  I just about lived on this stuff when I was working on clean-up crews after the Tropical Storm Agnes flood of 1972. SPAM on white bread..ahh, memories.

But back to the matter at hand (and we must concede that SPAM is, in fact, composed of matter).  Here is the finished product, ready to be served and consumed with a glass of egg nog in what is sure to be another fond holiday memory that we will cherish to the end of our days…or at least until later this afternoon.

So, what is the verdict?  FPS has the vaguely “spackle-like” texture one associates with the traditional product.  That is not a complement.  It is easy to slice, though.  A spork would probably do.  As for cooking it, it does brown nicely in the skillet, although not a brown I would associate with any artist’s palette.  As for the flavor…

Try as I might, one slice is all I could choke down.  I cannot compare its taste to anything known in the food world.  It has the mouth feel of wet cement.  The folks who make this stuff use the catch line, “sizzle, pork, and mmmm,” a play on the name.  What came to mind for us was “Stop Posing As Meat!”

On a scale of four twinkle lights, we give FPS...well, let's not go there.