The Peerless Prognostictor is ON THE AIR!! -- Caps vs. Thrashers, October 14

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!!!

Yes, fans of the swooping eagle, The Peerless is here once again to bring you the finest in prognostitory prognosticationing.

When last we met, we were anticipating a victory against the Minnesota Wild. Well, it didn’t happen – it was a shootout loss – but it sort of had the feel of a win . . . plucky underdog, beat up, goes into hostile arena (well, just how hostile do Minnesotans get? . . . do they pelt you with lutefisk?), plays the undefeated home team to a tie through overtime . . . frankly, it wasn’t a bad result for this squad at this time of the year.

But now, it’s back home and back to the division – the Atlanta Thrashers come to town for a Saturday evening tilt, which makes this sort of a “Saturday Evening Post.” Sorry, kids, that publication was around long before y’all were born.

Atlanta lost a tough one last night – a goal in the last half-second of regulation play from the then-winless Carolina Hurricanes – so they might be in an ornery mood come this evening. What better way to show “Capspitality” than to offer up some down-home southern recipes to the weary travelers . . .

Brian Sutherby’s own “Hits-n-Grits” . . . Take one cantankerous center, add two bad-tempered wings (Donald Brashear and Brooks Laich, preferred brands), stir, and allow to hit for 60 minutes. It’ll tenderize thrasher very nicely.

Alex Ovechkin’s “Spicy Snap Peas and Hot Wrist Shots” . . . One quick-cookin’ treat . . . take one left wing . . . let him churn up ice at high speed . . . add one puck . . . one hot wrist shot later, voila! . . . instant goal. Trouble is, this is such a tasty treat, no one is satisfied with just one! Oh, the peas? Feed ‘em to the dog . . . or Bobby Holik.

Shaone Morrisonn’s “Shoo-‘way pie” . . . a traditional southern treat, fitting for any occasion, be it in front of the net or in the corners or along the boards . . . take stick firmly in both hands, apply it and body to anyone in a light-colored jersey (or small bird like, say, a thrasher), and shoo ‘em away vigorously.

Uncle Glen’s Fine Moonshine Power Line . . . yee-haw . . . now here’s a lip-smackin, thrasher-thwackin’ treat . . . First, ya git a helpin’ o’ Alexander Semin over yonder on the left side . . . then, ya git a big ol’ handful of Dainius Zubrus down in the other corner diggin’ out pucks . . . up over there on the ridge on the blue line, ya get some o’ that Brian Pothier for some added spice . . . over ‘cross the way, maybe a bit o’ that Mike Green . . . kinda young this time o’ year, but tasty anyway . . . and there in the middle, a heapin’ helpin’ of Alex Ovechkin . . . ready to pounce on any ol’ puck that comes his way. Now, that might not be quite the thing for a Kari Lehtonen (but he’s a Finn, what does he know?), but for us Caps fans? . . . whooooooo-EE, that’s mighty fine shine.

Now that’s a menu for a happy ol’ weekend if I ever did see one. As for the game, some things to watch . . .

Atlanta is second in the league at the moment in giving up only 1.4 goals per game. And, they are fifth in faceoff winning percentage. Washington is 18^th in both statistics. In this NHL, The Peerless does not see those as separate considerations. Getting the puck and keeping the puck go a long way toward keeping the puck out of your own net.

Atlanta is a team that has been playing well at even strength, with only one player – Steve Rucchin – on the minus side of the ledger. The Caps record on this score is a bit deceptive. The Ovechkin-Zubrus-Zednik line of game one was -4 across the board. IN two games since, Ovechkin has crawled back to -1, Zubrus to -2, and Zednik has not lost any more ground. Clearly, that experiment didn’t appear to work.

Shots . . . The Peerless thinks they matter over the length of a season. Atlanta has given up the fifth fewest shots per game . . . the Caps are 23^rd. Add that to faceoffs (it’s that puck thing), and it would seem further to explain the difference in goals allowed (yeah, The Peerless knows, Lehtonen is a fine goalie, too).

So, for the Caps, they have to be mindful of faceoffs and fire as much rubber as possible at the net. Ovechkin will likely get his shots (24 so far); Semin, too (11). But some others need to step up in this regard – Dainius Zubrus and Kris Beech among the forwards, Brian Pothier and Ben Clymer among the defensemen.

The Peerless liked what he saw against Carolina and Minnesota – two teams with capable defenses. While Lehtonen has played very well, that ends tonight at VerMCIzon Center . . .

We’s gonna have us a good time, now, y’hear? Break out the sippin’ whiskey . . .

Caps 5 – Thrashers 3

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR! . . . Caps vs. Wild, October 12th

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!!

Tonight, from the Land of 10,000 Potential Outdoor Rinks . . . Our Caps visit their wrath upon the Minnesota Wild, which begs the question . . . Wild what? Maybe Girls Gone Wild? When did “Wild” become plural, anyway? And isn’t that use of the singular so 1980’s, so World Football League . . . the Philadelphia Bell . . . the Chicago Fire . . . the Shreveport Steamer (what, they cleaned carpets in the off-season?) . . . the Minnesota Wild. Hey, join the 21st century, guys.

Visiting the folks in Minnesota does, however, put me in mind of a song . . . Hit it!

Who can turn the world on with his smile?
Who can take a nothing play, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you guy, and you should know it
With each deke and every little movement you show it

Goals are all around, no need to waste it
You can make the shot, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all


How will you help us win this game?
This rink is awfully big, guy this time you can’t be too tame
So it's time you started hitting
It's time you let someone else do some hurting

Goals are all around, no need to waste it
You can make the shot, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

As for the game, these aren’t your father’s Wild. This bunch actually looks at the net. Marian Gaborik, or “Bondra Lite,” has earned a reputation for being a goal-scorer, but he was a Ferrari skating in the sand of the (beware – head-shaking moment ahead) Wild style of defense-defense-defense . . . more one of boring their opponents into submission, or “Devils Lite.”

But now, with Pavol Demitra, Mike Rolston, Pierre-Marc Bouchard, and Todd White (hey, he’s got two goals, same as our own Alex O.) to jump start the offense, the Wild look like a team dangerous at both ends.

For the Caps, they’ll be looking to celebrate Mike Green’s 21st birthday with their second win. It looks as though Brent Johnson gets to trade his baseball cap for a mask tonight and stand between the pipes – “stand” being a term of imagery . . . if all he does is stand, it’ll be a long night. Maybe The Peerless should use the term, “man the crease,” but that conjures all sorts of other images, most not suitable for a family column.

It looks as though Boyd Gordon and Matt Pettinger – a good portion of energy among the forwards (energy = “pain in the ass to the opponent”) will be on the shelf for this one, although Matt Bradley could return, if Mike Vogel’s take is on target. Even so, with A-squared showing signs of being on the “hot” side of a streak and Brent Johnson getting a chance to shine, all signs point to a good night for the home side (as if The Peerless would be picking anything else) . . .

Caps 4 – Wild 3

Happy Birthday, Mr. Mohawk

The Peerless' Look At the Season Ahead

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!!! (Well, it's about freakin' time!)

It’s time . . . well, past time, actually . . . for The Peerless’ Profound Prognostication on the season for Our Washington Capitals. It promises to be an exciting year, an interesting year . . . an “Ovechkinacious” year! So, let’s get to the particulars . . .

Kris Beech –

Nickname: “Beechie”

Code Name: “Faceoff Man”

Beech is the last vestige of the Jagr trade, several times removed. The prodigal center was all but handed the second line center job, which he didn’t exactly grab by the throat in training camp. Still, circumstances conspired to allow him to dress opening night. One must think he’s on a first name basis with the Devil for some bargain he made.

Projected finish: 11-24-35, -9

“The Issue:” Will he play more than 50 games? He’s only played 30 – total – since the 2001-2002 season.

Matt Bradley –

Nickname: “Brads”

Code Name: “Fighting Vehicle”

Has a certain “Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robot” quality to his play. Third line is where he appears ticketed. Plays with a certain brio that reflects the attitude of the team. Unfortunately, like too much of the team, his effort isn’t matched by his skill. If he can do the little things and be an agitator of sorts, he has value.

Projected Finish: 8-14-22, -6

“The Issue:” Durability. The last two full seasons, he missed a total of eight games. But, does his style lead to nicks and dents? He’s starting the year on the day-to-day injury report.

Donald Brashear –

Nickname: yeah, right . . . YOU give him a nickname.

Code Name: “Pain”

He’s here for one reason – to make sure anyone with designs on touching Alex Ovechkin for purposes other than shaking hands is dealt with swiftly and surely. It’s a hard way to make a living, but the pay is good.

Projected Finish: 4-10-14, -6

The Issue: “Productivity” – Last year he had a dropoff, even for his low expectations in that regard. The way the league is set up, even enforcers have to be able to contribute something within the rules.

Chris Clark –

Nickname: “Captain”

Code Name: “Captain Capital”

Last year was a “Christmas Morning” kind of year . . . he got to wake up every morning knowing he’s be on Alex Ovechkin’s right side. And he made the most of it with a career goal-scoring year. This year, his linemates might not be as cut and dried as was the case last year. He could end up on any of the top three lines, but he has the work attitude and a measure of the skill to contribute in any of those roles.

Projected Finish: 18-21-39, +11

The Issue: “Career Year,” as in, was last year his career year? He might not reach the 20 goal mark this year, but he should not be any less productive as an all-around player or presence on the ice and in the locker room.

Ben Clymer –

Nickname: “Hey!”

Code Name: “Lon Chaney” . . . man of 1,000 disguises – defenseman, forward . . . ok, well, two disguises

One of the big experiments here; Clymer goes back to the blue line. This is one of those “New NHL” things not unlike bringing Jamie Heward back into the NHL last year. You wouldn’t do this in the “old” clutch, grab, gouge, scratch NHL. But in this version? His skating will correct a lot of problems.

Projected Finish: 7-16-23, -7

The Issue: “Eureka,” as in, Eureka, we’ve found a defenseman. We should have a good idea about the truth of that statement by New Years.

Steve Eminger –

Nickname: Em

Code Name: “M” – what’s it stand for? Hey, if I told you, it wouldn’t be much of a code, then, would it?

OK, it’s time. Last year might be written off as a product of the injury he suffered in January that shelved him for several weeks and left him without his best tool – skating – for much of the rest of the year. But it’s time to step up and be a solid top-four defender. Absent injury, the Caps will know what they have in this guy for the long term this year.

Projected Finish: 8-18-26, -3

The Issue: “Perseverance” . . . Is he going to be there – night in and night out – putting forth the effort his position and the responsibility he’s being given demand?

John Erskine—

Nickname: “Erskie”

Code Name: “Sir”

He’s one of the most accomplished tough guys in the league. That will be his role. Given that he isn’t the shiftiest of skaters, it would seem likely that he will dress only in selected situations.

Projected Finish:

0-2-2, -4

Issue: “Liability” . . . he might provide protection, but does it come at the expense of defensive skill on a team already challenged in that regard?

Rico Fata –

Nickname: “Suave”

Code Name: “Blink” – as in, he’s past you in the blink of an eye

He’s a tease. Skates like the wind blows, and shoots like he’s trying to play darts with a meatball (no, I have no idea what that means). Hands of some sort of igneous rock. He’ll scream down the wing, take a pass right on his stick, lean in, and . . . fire the puck into the high netting.

Projected Finish: 3 (all by accident)-6-9, -1

The Issue: “Health,” as in, when Pettinger gets well, does Fata get moved?

Boyd Gordon –

Nickname: “Gordo”

Code Name: “PK”

He won’t be 23 for a little while yet, but already he seems a bit of an enigma. In junior, his goal scoring went 10-12-22-32. In the AHL in the last two years he had 17 goals, then 16 in only 58 games last year. But, he shows little so far at this level in terms of offensive instincts. He has a reputation as a competent penalty killer, and that will be the key to his value for the time being.

Projected Finish: 6-9-15, -2

Issue: "Progress" as in "will he make any progress in his offensive game?"

Mike Green --

Nickname: "Greenie"
Code Name: "The Guy The Peerless Left Out First Time Around"

Shows remarkable maturity for a guy turning 21 on October 12. He has as complete a game -- made to order for this NHL -- as any young defenseman the Caps have. And therin lies the problem this year. He will get a lot of minutes in a lot of key situations. And, he's still very "green," so to speak. Mistakes will be made. But more often than not, he should give a clear indication why he might have been the steal of the first round in the 2004 draft.

Projected Finish: 7-12-19, -8.

Issue: "Patience" . . . as in, "have patience, Caps fans." He'll make mistakes, but that's part of learning this difficult position as a youngster.

Jamie Heward –

Nickname: “Huey”

Code Name: “Eyebrow”

Had a nice season last year for a guy who hadn’t played an NHL game since 2001-2002. He plays a very inconspicuous game – last year had a very quiet 28 points. Is another of the “New NHL” kind of players.

Projected Finish: 5-17-22, -3

Issue: “Minutes” – if he’s getting the minutes he did last year, it is a hint that the kids – Eminger and Green in particular – aren’t having the years Caps fans hope they’ll have.

Brent Johnson –

Nickname: “Johnny”

Code Name: “Baseball Cap”

Finished rather well last year . . . I think it was the new duds. Now that he’s broken them in, he should have a fabulous year. By the end of last year, he gave clues that he could stand in for Kolzig if the need arose, at least for the short term.

Projected Finish: 8-10-3, 3.13, .902

Issue: “Focus” . . . the backup goalie, especially one playing behind a minutes-eater like Kolzig, is always going to have to be creative to stay sharp, but Johnson seems to have acclimated himself to this role pretty well.

Jakub Klepis –

Nickname: “Klepie”

Code Name: “38 caliber”

If one Hershey guy would have made a breakthrough in camp, I don’t think Klepis would have been the pick of most. But he had a solid camp and looks a good deal more comfortable at this level. Now, that’s a lot different from saying he’ll be an impact player. In fact, he might yet spend time in Hershey this year, but he has made strides.

Projected Finish: 6-11-17, -4

Issue: “Comfort” . . . he clearly had skill; it’s just a matter of his reaching a comfort level with the pace of the game at this level, a comfort level with his teammates (he would seem to be in a position of playing with various combinations, especially early).

Olaf Kolzig –

Nickname: “Godzilla”

Code Name: “Broken Stick”

Faced more shots on a per-game basis than any other goalie in the NHL. That’s a lot of work for a veteran of such years. So, he came in lighter – a signal that he’s not taking this losing or rebuilding stuff lying down . . . or flopping around. Ovechkin might be the most valuable player on the Caps, but Kolzig is the straw who stirs the drink. As he goes, so go the Caps.

Projected Finish: 28-26-7, 3.11, .904

Issue: “Minutes” . . . he’s spent a lot of seasons eating up more than 4,000 minutes. Last year he had over 3,500. Chances are he’ll be in that neighborhood again.

Brooks Laich –

Nickname: “Brooksie”

Code Name: “Trout”

Decent numbers for a rookie getting third/fourth line minutes, and not a bad faceoff percentage (a shade under 50 percent). He’ll be one of those guys who will bear watching to see if he gets more responsibility; it’s players like him that are just about as important to the rebuild as the stars.

Projected Finish: 10-21-31, -5

Issue: “SRO” . . . there are a lot of checking forwards on this team; it’s a crowded category. His versatility should put him ahead of most for ice time.

Shaone Morrisonn –

Nickname: “Shoney”

Codename: N (for the extra one he carries)

For now, and perhaps for the future, the designated shut-down defenseman. He doesn’t have the build to suggest such a role, lanky as he is, but his reach and smarts serve him well in defending the top opponents. He might not go almost a whole season without a goal – as he did last year – but it will hardly matter if he can keep the other side off the score sheet.

Projected Finish: 3-13-16, +9

Issue: “zzzz” Morrisonn plays a very composed game; if you don’t remember him, chances are he’s done well.

Bryan Muir –

Nickname: “Muirie”

Code Name: “Ivan” . . . hey, someone has to assume the Majesky Chair of Advanced Griping

I never saw what the problem was with Muir last year, except for perhaps playing in a pairing too high on most nights. He had more than 21 minutes, 26 points, and was -9 which wasn’t particularly good, but on last year’s team could have been a lot worse. This year, he’ll probably get fewer minutes, but he’ll be more effective in them.

Projected Finish: 3-10-13, -3

Issue: “Time, please” . . . if he’s getting more than 14-16 minutes a night this year, something unpleasant is happening elsewhere on the Caps’ blue line.

Alexander Ovechkin –

Nickname: “Ovie”

Code Name: “Cruise Missle”

What does one do for an encore? 52-54-106 is a bit much to improve upon, but Ovechkin is playing with more offensive weapons than last year, which could take some of the attention away from him, at least part of the time. Asking for improvement is a bit like telling DaVinci . . . “uh, shouldn’t there be a few more brush strokes on that Mona Lisa?”

Projected Finish: 51-58-109, +6

Issue: “No” . . . the biggest problem he might deal with, given the notoriety he enjoys after last year, could be claims on his time. He seems accommodating to a fault; he might need a designated “no-sayer” to run interference for him.

Matt Pettinger –

Nickname: “Princess”

Code Name: “Pinball”

Even though he still plays like a pinball careening around the ice, he had a career year last year with 20 goals, including five of the shorthanded variety. It will be difficult to improve upon that, but if he keeps a certain manic aspect to his game, he will continue to be valuable.

Projected Finish: 14-18-32, even

Issue: “Ouch” . . . he plays a smash-mouth kind of style, one which could leave him missing time (he is injured as The Peerless writes this).

Brian Pothier –

Nickname: “Potsie”

Code Name: “Chachi”

He was given a big contract, and the temptation – for both him and fans – is to think of him as a top or top-pair defenseman. He wasn’t that in Ottawa, and while he will be that in Washington for a time, it really isn’t his long-term role here, either. If he can play within that, he will be a fine addition. If he tries to play outside of himself, it could be a struggle.

Projected Finish: 7-24-31, -3

Issue: “Spotlight” . . . he’s the big signing this year for the Caps. What folks need to understand is that this is different from being a big signing. Zdeno Chara was a big signing. The Caps added a player. There’s a difference.

Alexander Semin –

Nickname: [unprintable]

Code Name: “Stealth”

Here is the under the radar addition, perhaps of the entire league. He has the skill to be a 35-goal scorer – right now. He won’t get there, but eventually, he will. He is noticeably bigger and stronger on his skates. It does not appear to have cost him speed. Whether he’s made any strides in terms of defensive responsibility is an open question that only time will answer.

Projected Finish: 26-25-51, -4

Issue: “Blending” . . . as in “blending in.” He had a deer-in-headlights look for much of his first year in Washington. If he can gain some command of the language and rise to a level of comfort in these surroundings, it will be two things he need concern himself with less than what is happening on the ice.

Brian Sutherby –

Nickname: “Suts”

Code Name: “@#&$”

Sutherby has an edge to his game, and it seems this has been lost in folks looking at his offensive numbers (or lack of them heading into last year). Last year, he added some offense to his game, and he might be poised for the same breakout this year on offense that Matt Pettinger had last year.

Projected Finish: 20-23-43, -2

Issue: “Expectations” . . . Sutherby is a first round draft choice – 26^th overall in 2000. With that might have come some unrealistic expectations as far as his offense is concerned. He can be an 18-22 goal player, but his value is more in stopping the other guy and getting under his skin.

Richard Zednik –

Nickname: “Zed”

Code Name: “Nik”

So, can you go “home” again? Trading for Zednik was more of a “placeholder” move, waiting for Eric Fehr to take over as the scoring right winger on this club. Zednik is not an especially good passer and can be a liability in his own zone. His value is a product of how many goals he will score. But since tallying 31 in 2002-2003, he has slipped to 26 and 15 the next two years.

Projected Finish: 16-22-38, -5

Issue: “Fit” He and Semin are primarily goal scorers. How they will fit on a second line is an open question. Given the questions surrounding the Caps’ situation at center on that line, this – along with the Caps’ ability to play any defense -- is perhaps the most important story line in the season.

Dainius Zubrus –

Nickname: “Zubie”

Code Name: “Lucky” (as in “to be centering Ovechkin”)

Long expected to have a breakout season to justify his being a 15^th overall draft pick in 1996, he has a nice season last year on the ice (23-34-57, +3) while mentoring Ovechkin. Whether he can take another step up is the next question. He might be at the top his offensive game; to expect more is at this point probably unrealistic.

Projected Finish: 20-33-53, +4

Issue: “Time” . . . In every full year with Washington, he has missed at least 11 games for a variety of reasons. This year he comes into the year recovering from a knee injury. It is not an encouraging sign.

Others . . .

Tomas Fleischmann . . . should get a look from time to time; he suffers from their being much more depth on the left side on this team. Maybe 15 or so games, 3-3-6, -2.

Alexandre Giroux . . . described in some places as potentially a “late bloomer;” likely to be an injury call up at some point. Maybe 6-8 games, 0-2-2, -2

Jeff Schultz . . . an outside shot at a call up this year; this is a development year for him.

Dave Steckel . . . a hard working sort, could be an injury call-up from time to time.

Chad Wiseman . . . is probably in the same situation as Steckel.

Special Teams . . .

The Caps finished 26^th on the power play, 28^th on the penalty kill. Only Los Angeles was lower in the combined Index of Special Teams Woe (28^th/30^th). This year will be better – it can’t be worse. The key will be taking fewer penalties and not wearing out penalty killers on a nightly basis. If they could crawl into the top 20 in penalty kill, they could challenge for a playoff spot. On the other side of the ledger, the power play should benefit from teams not being able to load up on an Ovechkin first unit. If Semin plays on that unit, teams must pay attention to him, as well as Ovechkin. If he plays on the second unit, it should mean more opportunities to take advantage of lesser penalty kill units. This group could be a top 15 unit if things go well, but they lack a proven power play quarterback with a big shot from the blueline to make that seem likely.

At the end of the day . . .

The Caps will be better – better than last year, better than most think they will be this year. They could make a run at a playoff spot, but that presumes two things – first, and most important, no injuries. It is still not a team with much depth in terms of skill or experience. An injury to a front line player would be a problem; one to Kolzig or Ovechkin would be a catastrophe. Second, players who had career years – Zubrus, Clark, Pettinger, Sutherby – must match or improve on those records.

It says here that there will be glimpses of what could be in the near future, but that future is not yet here.

Final record: 36-36-10, 12^th in the East.

A Tale of Two Games

Alex Ovechkin . . .

Game one: He hasn't scored, he looks sluggish, he hasn't scored, maybe he's hurt, he hasn't scored, what's up with his girlfriend, he hasn't scored, he was -4, he hasn't scored

Game Two: Woo-Hoo! He scored, 15 shots!, he scored, six hits, he scored, Sidney-who?, he scored, did you see that tip-in?, he scored


Olie Kolzig . . .

Game One: a goal 29 seconds in?, Mr. Softee, put Johnson in, same old -- emphasis on 'old' -- story

Game Two: O-lie O-lie O-lie, stood on his head, kept 'em it in early, He da man!


Brian Pothier . . .

Game One: $2.5 million for this guy?

Game Two: Three assists?...the blue line QB we've been waiting for!


Kris Beech . . .

Game One: Career AHLer

Game Two: Hey, he's pretty good!


The Caps . . .

Game One: What do you know about Angelo Esposito?

Game Two: Will the parade be down Pennsylvania Avenue?


. . . welcome to hockey in Washington

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR -- Caps vs. Canes, October 7, 2006

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!!!!

It’s Opening Night in Hockeytown! No, really. Hey, don’t give me any nonsense about Detroit. When someone goes on the radio and renders spittle into the microphone like this over the hockey team, talk to me. In the meantime . . .

We’re here outside VerMCIzon Center, where throngs of Caps fans are participating in the opening night festivities. Some of the fun things to do that you won’t hear about on the official press release . . .

“Dress-Up McPhee.” For the young ladies among our hockey fans, they get a model of General Manager George McPhee to dress in business suit or hockey uniform. Unfortunately, all the outfits are in black.

“What’s Next Alex?” . . . He’s taken batting practice; he’s thrown out the first pitch, he’s got a hole-in-one on his resume. Fans get to guess, “what’s next, Alex?” Will he ride at Pimlico? Take snaps at Redskin Park? Challenge guard Gilbert Arenas to a one-on-one? Winner gets to man the nets to face a few Ovechkin wristers and slap shots – pads optional.

“ChauffOlie” . . . the newest in electronic game technology . . . you get to sit in the driver’s seat of Olaf Kolzig’s Maserati and try to get him from his house to MCI Center on time for a 7 pm contest. Only one hitch . . . it’s rush hour. No cheating by trying to listen to Traffic on the 8’s on WTOP, either. Good luck.

“Pie Me, Dude!” . . . Fans get three tries to throw a pie in their favorite Cap player’s face. Sorry, Bryan Muir will not be available; fans might try to toss other things, like tomatoes . . . or worse.

“Zed Bread” . . . local bakeries will be selling loaves in the image of Caps’ fans favorite #20.

“Ted Heads” . . . Fans will be given goatees as they enter the arena . . . one lucky fan will be chosen to write the next Owner’s Corner to try to break the world land speed record for clichés.

As for the game . . .

The Caps come in dinged up, and that is on top of being banged up by the Rangers on Thursday night. Matt Bradley and Matt Pettinger are out. Tarik tells us in this morning's Washington Post that Brooks Laich and Boyd Gordon were nicked in the Ranger game and might not play. One also wonders if Alex Ovechkin is 100 percent after a largely silent preseason and a blank scoresheet in the opener. Perhaps that knee injury he suffered early on in the preseason is a little more that what the club has been telling folks. It all begs the question of who is coming down from Hershey. Just in case, though, fans might want to bring skates . . .

The Stanley Cup Champion Carolina Hurricanes come in without a win in either of their first two games – a shootout loss to Buffalo and a shutout at the hands of New Jersey and Martin Brodeur, both at home. The Peerless prognosticates that they will be in an angry mood.

But in light of the medical situation and the caliber and attitude of the team the Caps are playing, it’s time to let The General say what needs to be said to the troops . . .


Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a hockey game by taking a penalty for his team. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard take a penalty for his team. Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about the Caps not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the contest, is a lot of horse dung. Caps traditionally love to fight. All real Caps love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big league ball player, the toughest boxer. Caps fans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Caps play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That’s why Caps have never lost and will never lose a game. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Capitals.

Now, a hockey club is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, checks as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for ESPN don’t know anything more about real hockey games than they do about fornicating.

We have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit and the best men in the world. You know, by God I actually pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to check the bastards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to tape the blades of our sticks. We’re going to hit those lousy Hurricane bastards by the bushel.

Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll chicken out under fire. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Hurricanes are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Check them into the boards. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. Let Carolina do that. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose.

There’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what did you do in the great National Hockey League, you won’t have to say, "Well, I shoveled shit in DC."

Alright now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Oh, and I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle – anytime, anywhere.

That’s all.

Caps 4 – Carolina 2

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR! . . . Opening Night, October 5th

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!!!

We’re here, live – which sure beats “dead” – in New York for opening night on this, the 2006-2007 National Hockey League season. And the red carpet is out, upon which will tread luminaries from the world of hockey, the solar system of sport, the galaxy of entertainment, the galactic cluster of celebrity, and the odd moon from Ranger fans.

The Caps are visiting the New York Rangers, the people’s (well, Larry Brooks’) choice as the prohibitive favorite to capture the Stanley Cup and take it on a pub crawl next summer. And the limos are lining up as we inch closer to the drop of the puck inside the storied arena . . .

Why, here is Donald Trump, real estate magnate, television personality, and a man for whom his hair serves as an engineering marvel of which NASA can only dream – The Donald, himself . . . “You can call me, ‘The’”

Well, it’s a pleasure to see you, The . . . I take it you’re a big hockey fan.

“Always have been . . . even played some. You think these teeth are mine?"

And what fine teeth they are . . . what do you like most about the game, The?

“Gotta be the refs . . . I’m a big fan of Kerry Fraser.”

Well, I can see why . . . thanks for stopping by, The.

And here is the famous-for-being-famous Paris Hilton . . . Paris, I guess after duking it out with a beauty queen at a club the other night, I’m guessing your favorite part of hockey is the fights . . . Paris? . . . uh, Paris? . . . is anyone home in there? . . . Bueller? . . . Bueller? . . .

OK, well . . . here is Simon Cowell, the unsparingly blunt and caustic judge of “American Idol” . . . Simon, so you’re a big hockey fan . . .

“Well, that has to be the most inane question I’ve heard since the cabbie asked, ‘where to, buddy?’ I’m not here to admire the stunning architecture of this hat box on steroids” . . .

Uh, yeah . . . so, Rangers? Caps? Who do you see winning tonight?

“Who? Oh, yes, the sides playing tonight . . . actually, I couldn’t care less. I’m just here to promote my next exciting reality show, “The NHL’s Got Talent” . . .

And here’s Regis Philbin . . . Hey, Rege . . .

“Stop that crook, Cowell . . . he owes me money for being a judge on his lame talent show!”

Well, enough of the B-List stars, what about the game? The Caps come in limping with Dainius Zubrus still on the mend from a knee injury and Matt Pettinger in the “week-to-week” category with the always fearsome "upper body injury." It will give fans a chance to see Rico Fata skate like the wind and shoot like a pee-wee with his helmet on backwards, and it will give Jakub Klepis a chance to see if he can get some minutes on one of the top two lines. Fans will be eagerly awaiting news on whether the “Alex Squared” power play can generate some excitement or not, and will be looking to have an early answer to the matter of whether Alexander Ovechkin’s failure to score a goal in the preseason was a product of precaution (the club treated him gingerly in the exhibition phase) or is a harbinger of a sophomore slump.

The Rangers come in as a team with some questions – is Jaromir Jagr anything close to healthy? Is Henrik Lundqvist past his hip and migraine problems, and is he still “King Henrik” or just the “Hank from the Beer League” he looked to be last spring? Can fewer Czechs mean fewer wins?

Here is The Peerless Prognostication . . .

Ovechkin, who has a flair for the dramatic, will score early on one of sports’ biggest stages.

Olaf Kolzig will frustrate the Rangers.

Brendan Shanahan will enjoy a fine Ranger debut, but Jagr will have a quiet night.

Marek Malik will not have an opportunity to try any more trick shots.

The Caps will skate off with a 3-2 win.

The Peerless’ Three Star Prediction . . .

First Star: Olaf Kolzig
Second Star: Brendan Shanahan
Third Star: Alex Ovechkin

Alex and "The Hump"

I was reading Tarik El-Bashir's column on the Caps in this morning's Washington Post in which he wrote about Alex Ovechkin being one piece of the puzzle. Hockey being what it is, even the best of skaters play not much more than a third of any game. And that's the trouble with the Caps. Once you get past Ovechkin, there isn't anyone who can be called a dominant player.

The kid needs help.

So, when is it coming, George? Well, here's the money quote . . .

"You have to get to the hump before you can get over it . . . We'll add the right pieces at the right time. We'll have to see when that time comes, whether it's late this season or early next season."

As a fan, that tells me that McPhee is putting down a marker. The time is coming, this year or next, when the rebuild is going to be at a point where adding free agents or securing other assets -- not prospects or draft picks -- in trade is going to arrive. The timing is important, since next year Ovechkin will be in the last year of his entry deal, and Olaf Kolzig will be another year older.

Fans have been patient, and even though they don't write the checks for talent, they do for tickets. They aren't going to want to hear, "wait, be patient," forever. The time is coming.

Fans will be watching.

The Peerless is BACK!! . . . Let the 2006-2007 Season Begin!!

The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR!!!!

He’s back on this, the inaugural night of the 2006-2007 NHL season. And in this first installment of what promises to be a blog chock full of bloggy type stuff you won’t find anywhere else in blogdom, you get The Peerless’ own prognostications for the year ahead.

So let’s get right to it . . . in the East:

The Division Champs:

Buffalo . . . Look, here’s the deal, short and sweet. You fob off uniforms that ugly on the word of hockey, you’d better be able to play. Buffalo can. They had more balance on offense than just about any other team in the league last year, which made up for the lack of a single dominant player. Their defense was mobile and opportunistic, and Ryan Miller cemented his status as the number one goaltender. There is no reason to believe this group will slide backward. Last year was about realizing they can play; this year is about demonstrating they can win.

New Jersey . . . the circus here in the off season was not about players, it was about numbers – the amount by which the Devils were over the projected 2006-2007 salary cap. Now that Lou Lamoriello seems to have dodged a howitzer shell on the matters of Vladimir Malakhov and Alexander Mogilny, it’s back to being a matter of hockey, and the Devils won’t be much different a team than they finished with last year. That, plus The Peerless’ view that the other powers in the Atlantic fall back a bit, leaves the Devils as the choice here.

Carolina . . . The Champs have the unenviable task of trying to prove that a “dynasty” can exist in a capped salary era. There are some serious questions about this group – is Cam Ward the real deal? Will the veterans Mark Recchi and Doug Weight be missed? Can Erik Cole come back from a neck injury? Can Andrew Ladd pick up the slack over a whole season? In the end, it comes down to Ward. While Carolina is the pick in the Southeast, where other teams have even more questions, it says here they take a step back this year – a hangover from the unexpected run they made last year.

The Rest of the Playoff Seeds:

Ottawa . . . The window is closing on this team. They lost Zdeno Chara (although that loss will not be as big as some imagine), Martin Havlat and Brian Smolinski are gone, they’re weak on the left side, and I’m not sold on the idea of Martin Gerber as being “The Man” to lead them deep into the playoffs. There is too much of a whiff of underachievement with the franchise over the last several seasons to think they will do anything but look good for 82 regular season games, even though they’re no longer the class of the Northeast, and go quick-and-quiet in the playoffs.

New York Rangers . . . They will not be the team that finished with 100 points last year, despite adding Brendan Shanahan, Aaron Ward, and Matt Cullen to the roster. The finish last year was the kind that could leave a bad taste – Jaromir Jagr getting injured and Henrik Lundqvist coming back from injuries and playing through migraines last spring were the unhappy last chapters on an unexpectedly good year. While the injuries might be repaired, lingering concerns won’t go away – will a player who will turn 35 in February find himself prone to recurring shoulder problems? Was crowding Lundqvist – as the Devils successfully executed last spring – a strategy teams will employ this year? The Rangers added solid pros to their roster, but questions about their defense and those surrounding their two most important players will be a lot to overcome in any effort to improve on last year’s finish. They will finish higher in the standings than last year, but with a weaker team.

Philadelphia . . . wind ‘em up, watch ‘em get a playoff spot. That’s been true for a while now, and they probably could make the playoffs on the basis of memory alone. But this team is poised for a considerable dropoff. The biggest concern is health. And this is on top of losing almost 400 man-games to injury last year. Keith Primeau is gone – a casualty of post-concussion syndrome. Peter Forsberg is a walking medical chart. Antero Niitymaki will play as long as he can with a hip injury. Denis Gauthier suffered a concussion in the last preseason game. The Flyers’ season would appear to hinge largely on what progress can be made by Joni Pitkanen, Mike Richards, and Jeff Carter. All that aside, though, Bobby Clarke’s stubborn insistence on treating the position of goaltender the way a baby treats a diaper means that whatever success the Flyers have in the regular season will not translate well to the playoffs.

Montreal . . . From this point through the 11^th in The Peerless’ rankings, the teams become almost interchangeable in terms of their chances. The fight for the last two spots will be a thrill for fans to watch the last month. It starts here with Montreal. The Canadiens do not have any single player with top-end pop on their offense, but Saku Koivu, Chris Higgins, and Sergei Samsonov will provide some balance. Cristobal Huet started well but finished poorly last year. If he can record a whole year with the performance he had in the first half, this is a playoff team. If not, it’s golf in April.

Tampa Bay . . . They have the talent to win, and they have a coach who could finally drive his club over the morale cliff. After pretty much kneecapping his goalies with comments for public consumption last year, the “tough love” schtick of John Tortorella might have worn out its welcome. But this is a team that won a Cup in 2003-2004 and still has Martin St. Louis, Vincent Lecavalier, and Brad Richards. They lost Fredrik Modin and his cannon shot, but added what is likely an upgrade in goal in Marc Denis. He won’t play to the level of Nikolai Khabibulin in the Cup year, but he will play well enough for this club to sneak into eighth, despite their coach.

The Also Rans:

Atlanta . . . They still have forwards who will score in bunches and need a passport to find their own end. They will, however, have added a big hitter on the blue line in Vitaly Vishnevski. They also will have added some better penalty killing in Steve Rucchin and Niko Kapanen. But in the end, making the playoffs depends on whether goaltender Kari Lehtonen can: a) play to his considerable potential, and b) do it for 60 games. He might be a year away from being that kind of centerpiece.

Boston . . . It’s nice to have added the Tyrannosaurus Rex of defensemen in Zdeno Chara, but is this the age of the velociraptor? Brad Stuart and Paul Mara are an upgrade on the blue line, and Marc Savard will – if sufficiently motivated – be an effective distributor from the center position. But, two things are of concern here – first, do they have enough pop on the wings? Glenn Murray has gone 42-34-24 in goals over the last three seasons. Second, is Hannu Toivonen the answer to the Bruins’ needs in goal? They’ll be better, but that’s not saying they’ll be good enough.

Toronto . . . Ever read Great Expectations by Charles Dickens? Remember Miss Havisham, the old woman with white hair, dressed in white satins, laces and silks, wearing a long white veil with bridal flowers in her hair? That’s the Maple Leafs – expecting a marriage that never comes – theirs to a Stanley Cup. Isn’t happening this year, either. Failing to make the playoffs stripped away some of the delusions that always seem to accompany this team – like, their being a contender – and it makes for a more honest appraisal. They’re not especially mobile on defense (but probably better than last year), they lack a go-to goal scorer (they probably will not have a 30-goal scorer this year), and Andrew Raycroft has a lot of questions to answer, most notably, was his rookie year a fluke?

Washington . . . If it can be said that a team finishing 14^th in the Conference with 70 points was an “overachieving” team, the Caps were it last year. Starting the year by looking at an epically bad finish in the face, they managed 29 wins overall and went 7-3-3 in their last 13 games, including only one regulation loss to Carolina in five games. This club is better. Alexander Semin should score more goals by the end of October than his counterpart to start last year – Jeff Friesen – scored all year. Brian Pothier is an upgrade over Mathieu Biron. Alex Ovechkin is still on the roster. The big question for this club is whether the years Matt Pettinger, Chris Clark, and Brian Sutherby had are career years or stepping stones to better things. If it is the latter, 12^th is a safe bet as some of the kids from last year’s Calder Cup Hershey Bears are eased into the lineup or get a taste of NHL action.

Florida . . . I’m sorry, you don’t ship out the best puck stopping goaltender in the game and replace him with Alex Auld and “Billion Dollar” Belfour and expect things to improve. Sure, in the NHL these days, that could happen, but it wouldn’t be the way to bet. Adding Todd Bertuzzi is adding a name, but it’s also adding a “goal scorer” with 42 goals in his last 152 games. The Panthers flirted with a playoff spot late last season. They won’t get that close this year. They are not as good as last year’s team.

Pittsburgh . . . You look at their youth – Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Ryan Whitney, Marc-Andre Fleury, Jordan Stall – top five picks in each of the last five drafts – and you would think, “this is a club with a future.” Really? Maybe, but the present is a problem. Crosby’s rookie year was transcendent. After that . . . Malkin hasn’t played a game in anger yet and is starting the year hurt. Whitney was shipped to Wilkes-Barre last spring for what was presumably a long playoff run and came up small. Fleury, ditto, and there were rumblings he might get sent to Wilkes-Barre to start this year (Dany Sabourin was sent down, then claimed off waivers by Vancouver). Staal is a candidate to be shipped back to juniors after a short cup-o’-coffee with the big club. The rest? Well, Sergei Gonchar is a chronic slow starter, John LeClair and Mark Recchi are old. The defense scares no one. That leaves, what, Colby Armstrong? They’ll be marginally better and a bit more of a pain to play against, but they won’t be confused with “good.”

New York Islanders . . . well, where does one start? Making your backup goalie the GM? Giving the starting goalie a 15 year deal? Management by committee? A head coach who has been a decade out of the NHL after leaving his last job under ugly circumstances? A chronic underachiever working on his own 10-year deal? All that’s left is for this team to finish 30^th in the league and lose the lottery for the first overall draft position.

The West:

The Division Champs:

Nashville Predators . . . this is a team that was built, not bought. A good mix of draft picks and trades, with some free agents sprinkled in. An appropriate balance of veterans and young guys. They got bigger with Jason Arnott and Josef Vasicek, but they still have a fine skating team. They might not be as good a team as Anaheim at the end of the regular season, but they will probably have a better time in their division than the Ducks will have in theirs.

Anaheim Ducks . . . Scott Niedermayer and Chris Pronger start the year as the top pair of defensemen in the league. On paper, there probably isn’t a pair that’s all that close. And, they should eat minutes. They will probably not have a dominating scorer outside of Teemu Selanne, but they will have enough so that they can ease some young guys like Ryan Getzlaf or Corey Perry into bigger roles. Jean Sebastien Giguere might not be the goaltender he was during the Ducks march to the Stanley Cup finals a few seasons ago, but he and Ilya Bryzgalov will be a formidable duo for as long as they both wear Ducks sweaters.

Calgary Flames . . . they should emerge from the most competitive division on the strength of the unflappable Miikka Kiprusoff in goal. Jarome Iginla and Dion Phaneuf will challenge for trophy consideration this year. But more to the point, this is a team – talented as it is – that is more than the sum of its parts, and it is a difficult team to play against. Last year, they played with a thin margin for error, their offense lagging behind their defense. Alex Tanguay should improve that situation.

The Rest of the Playoff Seeds:

San Jose . . . another club that looks like more than the sum of its parts. It is tempting to say that Joe Thornton and Jonathan Cheechoo can’t duplicate their results from last year. Well, why not? Thornton is 27, Cheechoo is 26. They are just reaching their prime. The dark cloud on the horizon here is an unsettled goaltending situation. Evgeni Nabokov lost his job in the playoffs to Vesa Toskala last spring. That will be a situation to watch as the season unfolds.

Vancouver . . . Last year was a disappointment, sliding all the way out of the playoff race. Adding Roberto Luongo is a huge upgrade for this club. That alone could mean the six standings points between where the Canucks finished last year and fifth place, where we have them pegged this time around. They lost Todd Bertuzzi, but that’s probably a plus for both player and club. The one thing this club, more than most others, can’t afford is an injury, particularly on the blue line, where the talent drops off quite a bit past the top three.

Detroit . . . It seems folks either count the Wings as still an elite team, or they see the end of the run. I think it’s somewhere in between. Losing Steve Yzerman to retirement is big. But it’s not as if he didn’t leave a bunch of veterans who know how to play the game, either. This club remains deep, despite losing Brendan Shanahan to free agency. They should be tougher to play against with the addition of Danny Markov. But they are a groin injury – to Dominik Hasek – from being in deep trouble. And that’s the problem. He’s played 224 of a possible 410 games the last five years, only a combined 57 games the last two years.

Dallas . . . They added Eric Lindros and checking center Jeff Halpern, but this team has the look of age to it, and in this league that isn’t necessarily a compliment. Ten players will be 33 or older on this roster, including their likely top four defensemen. Add to that the fact that the Stars lost a substantial amount of offense in Jason Arnott and Bill Guerin (despite what must be considered a disappointing season for Guerin last year), and it spells a drop in the standings.

Minnesota . . . Team Snooze might be poised to show their fans some flash this year. Adding Pavol Demitra could be the tonic that allows Marian Gaborik to have a truly breakout season, as if 38 goals last season wasn’t enough. The other additions – players such as Kim Johnsson, Keith Carney, and Mark Parrish look to have been made with playoffs in mind – solid vets with experience. They should improve significantly on their 28 one-goal losses.

The Also-Rans:

Columbus . . . After watching Marc Denis being shelled to within an inch of his life over the past several years, having Pascal Leclaire take over will be among the interesting stories here. It could be especially interesting in that there is really little behind him if he goes down. The offense should benefit from the addition of a Fredrik Modin to a group that includes Rick Nash, Nikolai Zherdev, and Sergei Fedorov, as well as promising rookie Gilbert Brule. The defense, however, is thin, and this will be the club’s downfall.

Colorado . . . the end is near for the perennial Cup contending favorites. Patrick Roy retired a couple of seasons ago. Peter Forsberg is in South Philly. Rob Blake and Alex Tanguay are gone now. Joe Sakic – one of the true warriors in the sport – is 37. They are very thin on the left side, a situation made worse by the medical retirement of Steve Konowalchuk. The situation isn’t a lot better at center once one gets past Joe Sakic. Add to that the fact that no reasonable person can predict with any certainty which Jose Theodore will show up, and it points to a disappointing season in Denver.

Edmonton . . . One should not lose sight of the fact that despite taking the Stanley Cup final to a seventh game last year, Edmonton finished eighth in the West. Losing Chris Pronger from that squad won’t help. The forwards come back largely intact, and Joffrey Lupul is added from the Pronger deal. But the Oilers were a middle of the pack offense last year (tied for 13^th in goals). Dwayne Roloson stabilized the goaltending situation when he was acquired last year, but whether a soon-to-be 37 year old goaltender is the full-season, long-term answer is a lingering question.

Los Angeles . . . Their special teams were awful last year. How bad? 28^th on the power play, dead last in penalty killing. Will special teams get better? Rob Blake is about to turn 37, Aaron Miller has a history of back problems, and the rest of the defense looks thin, especially after moving Tim Gleason for the rights to Jack Johnson. Only a big rookie year from Patrick O’Sullivan is going to keep this bunch from sliding down the standings this year.

Phoenix . . . This is a team with a split personality. The defense looks as if it could be a fairly deep and effective unit. The offense looks like a collection of parts thrown together – Jeremy Roenick, Owen Nolan, Georges Laraque. Frankly, I don’t know where the goals are going to come from on a consistent basis. Add to that a 39-year old goalie in Curtis Joseph, plus playing in a division with heavyweights San Jose and Anaheim, and it’s hard to see where the Coyotes make all that much progress.

St. Louis . . . They will not finish 30^th. They won’t even finish 15^th in the Conference. That has to be taken as progress. In a way, they are marking time with the likes of Manny Legace, Keith Tkachuk and Martin Rucinsky on their roster, but the club has assembled a group of veterans that will not embarrass themselves on a nightly basis. The trouble is that the veteran forwards are likely well past their most productive years. The defense could be decent, certainly much better than last year. Goaltending is an uncertain commodity with Many Legace – run out of Detroit after a fine regular season but a dismal playoff -- and Curtis Sanford, for whom the question becomes, “does he have what it takes to make the jump to a solid number one goalie?”

Chicago . . . the worst run franchise in the NHL not playing home games on Long Island. Last year, they were slow and didn’t make up for it with skill or hockey sense. From this squad, the two top goal scorers – Kyle Calder and Mark Bell – are gone, but there is Martin Havlat. If Nikolai Khabibulin can get back to his level of performance in his Cup year in Tampa, this club avoids the lottery. But, that’s not the way to bet.

Now, how will the playoffs play out?

East:

Conference Quarters:

Buffalo over Tampa Bay
New Jersey over Montreal
Carolina over Philadelphia
Ottawa over New York Rangers

Conference Semis:

Buffalo over Ottawa
New Jersey over Carolina

Conference Finals:

Buffalo over New Jersey

West:

Conference Quarters:

Nashville over Minnesota
Anaheim over Dallas
Calgary over Detroit
San Jose over Vancouver

Conference Semis:

San Jose over Nashville
Anaheim over Calgary

Conference Finals:

Anaheim over San Jose

Stanley Cup Finals:

Anaheim over Buffalo

The Peerless brings you . . . A SOOPER ULTRA EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL EDITION of The Prognostication. Player previews!

A sooper-dooper special exclusive insider look at this year's opening night roster . . .

Goaltenders:

Olaf Kolzig – popular nickname: “Olie the Goalie” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Kolzy-Wolzy.”

Kolzig is a big goaltender who promises to lead the league this season in size and broken sticks. A long-time favorite of Caps fans who lovingly call him such things as, “Slowlaf Moldzig,” “Slow-lie the Goalie,” and “Mr. Five-hole,” he is primed for a return to greatness . . . unfortunately, that is likely to be with another club as he is frequently mentioned as prime trade bait . . . and I wish George would knock that off. Projected finish . . . 21-40-5, 3.11, .904, househunting in Vancouver by March.


Maxime Ouellet – popular nickname: “Mad Max” . . . sooper cool nickname: “McPhee’s Folly.”

Ouellet was the prize in the Adam Oates trade a few years back, which is sort of like saying the decoder ring is the prize for getting to the bottom of the box of Cracker Jack . . . nice, but ultimately, now useful is it? I think we’re going to find out. Projected finish: 5-14-2, 3.22, .898, inspiring people to ask, “what ever happened to Bill Ranford?”


Brent Johnson – popular nickname: “Brenner” . . . sooper cool nickname: “who the $#@& is that?”

Johnson was picked up (scraped up?) on waivers on cut down day, begging the question, “gee, can he play defense, because THAT’S WHAT WE $@&ING NEED!!!!” He played some quality minutes in St. Louis, once actually winning 34 games in a season for the Blues. He won’t win 34 games with the Caps unless he’s here until, oh . . . 2008.


Defensemen:

Brendan Witt – popular nickname: “Witter” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Schwab” (it’s a trading thing)

Witt has played 568 games in the NHL. The rest of the defense might not have 568 minutes. He’s the dean, the gray beard, the old man, the nagging pain the $#@& who wants a trade. Fans think he’ll bring back a high draft pick in trade. If he brings back a “555” deal from Dominos, Caps fans should color themselves lucky. Projected finish: 1-10-11, -134 (no, that’s not a misprint . . . he’ll get a lot of ice time, and the Caps, well . . . suck).


Steve Eminger – popular nickname: “Emmer” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Stever”

Eminger is often compared to the Caps’ renowned two-way defenseman Calle Johansson. Some fans balk at the notion. But hey, it beats comparing him to Darren Veitch. Projected finish: 8-18-26, -a gazillion.


Shaone Morrisonn – popular nickname: “Shoney” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Stuckey”

Morrrrisssonnonnn came over in trade from the Boston Bruins. He’s a lanky sort (hockeyspeak for “better put on some weight, kid, or you’ll get killed out there) who can skate (hockeyspeak for “will not make open ice hits that are to be confused with Scott Stevens”) and has a high upside (hockeyspeak for “please let this work out”). Projected finish: early April.


Mathieu Biron – popular nickname: “Matty” . . .sooper cool nickname: “Bironey!” (he said in his best Japanese accent)

This guy was once a first round draft pick . . . then he was part of deals that brought in return such players as Ziggy Palffy, Bryan Smolinski, and Adrian Aucoin . . . then he was picked up on waivers . . . later traded for someone named Petr Tenkrat (who sounds like a minor character on a Cartoon Network show) . . . then the Caps got him as a UFA. This is not generally thought of as an upward career path . . . and he’s projected as a top-four defenseman for this team . . . mmmm-kay. Projected finish: Hershey.


Jamie Heward – popular nickname: “Huey” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Geezer”

He’ll be the oldest defenseman on the opening night roster (34) . . . in Detroit, he’d be a “prospect.” Here’s the deal . . . he hasn’t played in an NHL game since the 2001-2002 season. He’s here to help teach the youngsters how to play defense and survive in the NHL . . . this despite parts of six seasons in the NHL and 239 games. If he succeeds, he oughtta get tenure at Harvard. Projected finish: 6-12-18, -24


Bryan Muir – popular nickname: “Muirie” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Travelocity”

Last year, during the lockout, he played for Blues Espoo and MoDo . . . I think this is in the Forest Moon Endor League. Before that, he played for Los Angeles, Colorado, Tampa Bay, Chicago, New Jersey, and Edmonton. This is his seventh team in his ninth season. Airlines refuse to grant this guy frequent flyer miles. Projected finish: somewhere else.


Nolan Yonkman – popular nickname: “Yonkie” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Injured Reserve”

Injuries of note . . . knee, knee, face, arm, and a few bones that medical researchers have yet to actually name. He’s even a carrier (read: Michael Nylander). Success this year will be measured in “consecutive minutes in a vertical position.” Projected finish: Sibley Hospital


Ivan Majesky – popular nickname: “Magic” . . . sooper cool nickname: “who?”

He is described at tsn.ca as, “Has great size. Moves the puck swiftly out of danger. Doesn't get rattled in the defensive zone and always displays a refreshing attitude on the ice.” That attitude comes in handy, because he “owns a very limited offensive arsenal. Needs to avoid serious injury, especially to his fragile knees.” Maybe he does shadow animal acts in the locker room during intermissions? Projected finish: we’ve already been there, kids.


Forwards:

Alexander Ovechkin – popular nickname: “Ovey” . . . sooper cool nickname: “George’s last hope”

The number one, the franchise, the ne plus ultra (go look it up). Consensus pick to be a franchise player, an elite set up man, a feared goal scorer, and early candidate for canonization to replace St. Jude as the patron saint of desperate cases (Caps fan version). He can’t possibly end up being an “Alexandre Volchkov” . . . for one thing, he spells “Alexander” right. Projected finish: ahead of Sidney Crosby in the Calder voting.


Matt Bradley – popular nickname: “Matty . . . no, not that one, the other one” . . . sooper cool nickname: none…what can you possible do with “Matt Bradley?”

Another in a long line of former Penguins making their way to Washington. When folks here are asked if they’ve seen him play, they respond, “no, but I was wondering what he was doing after he left the Senate.” This is a company town. Projected finish: sitting in section 202 on most game nights.


Andrew Cassels – popular nickname: “Casser” . . . sooper cool nickname: “the guy who passes to Ovechkin”

Fun Andy Cassels fact . . . he once played in Hartford . . . with Bobby Holik. Trouble is, he also played in Hartford with Mark Hunter, and Hunter’s been out of the NHL since the Korean War. Seasoned? . . . or just old? Projected finish: leading the team in AARP mailings.


Chris Clark – popular nickname: “Clarkie” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Oh C . . . CC Rider”

CC brings Stanley Cup finals experience to the club, which will come in handy, oh . . . about 2010. To his credit, he seems like a stand up guy, which really comes in handy, because a lot of Caps are going to be spending a lot of time on their keisters this year. He starts the year on IR . . . not the most promising harbingers of success this year. Projected finish: making life hard for Vinny Lecavalier in the season finale.


Ben Clymer – popular nickname: “Clymer-er” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Rings”

If he serves no other purpose this year, he should bring his ring to the rink every day and remind folks what they’re there for. Peerless off-subject thought: why is it when I sound out his last name, it sounds like he should be a recurring character on “The Addams Family?” Projected finish: helping Clark make Vinny wish he was golfing in the finale.


Jeff Friesen – popular nickname: “Freezer” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Freezy-Weezy-P00peneezy”

Part of a salary dump in New Jersey, and if it’s one thing they know about in Jersey, it’s dumps (bada-bing!). Friesen is said to skate really, really fast. Wasn’t fast enough to get away from the guy who said, “Jeff, Lou wants to see you,” was he? This is, for Friesen, what they call a “walk year” . . . the year before free agency. Players usually put up big numbers in that situation. Of course, for players on this club whose names don’t end in “vechkin,” a big year would be double-digits in goals. Projected finish: praying he’s traded back to New Jersey for that conditional pick the Caps gave up to get him.


Boyd Gordon – popular nickname: “Gordo” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Boydo”

Another of the legendary 2002 draft class, five of the first rounders from which reside in the Caps system. Unfortunately, he’s the second of only two that made the opening night roster. The Peerless will bet that there aren’t five Caps fans who realize he actually made the squad. Projected finish: hopefully, making people forget Steve Konowalchuk.


Jeff Halpern – popular nickname: “Halpie” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Oh Captain, My Captain”

The local boy makes good hero, now the captain. What did he do in a past life to get that sort of punishment? He’s already taking one for the team, moving to right wing (not exactly an Alex Rodriguez moving from shortstop to third base for the Yankees, but still . . .). Among players who finished with the club, he led the team in scoring last year. I don’t think there is a Caps fan who hopes he repeats, because that will mean Ovechkin was spirited away by aliens. Projected finish: giving the same effort in the last game of the year as in the first.


Stephen Peat – popular nickname: “Peatie” . . . sooper cool nickname: uh . . . there isn’t one . . . honest . . . I’d never presume . . .

OK . . . he was once the 32nd overall pick as a defenseman . . . he was converted to wing . . . he had some nasty injuries coming up . . . he only had a total of 41 games of experience in the minors to polish his game and learn a new position. Surely, he’s not just the designated pugilist, is he? Is there really a harder job in team sports than that? Projected finish: hopefully, somewhere other than serving five minutes in the penalty box.


Matt Pettinger – popular nickname: “Petter” . . . sooper cool nickname: “double runners”

Sometimes, the young fellow just seems to have a devil of a time staying up on his skates. But he’s always in motion, hitting anything that moves (The Peerless wishes he’d train his talents on Slapshot, but that’s just me). He seems to be a bit of the forgotten fellow in the Caps rebuild. Might not be a bad thing to be kind of out of sight this year. Projected finish: hitting someone, falling down, getting up, and going after them to hit ‘em again.


Brian Sutherby – popular nickname: “Suts” . . . sooper cool nickname: “you’re still here?”

Doesn’t it seem like he’s been with this club since Yvon Labre was here? And still, he’s only 23. His trouble is he’s had his groin pulled more often than salt water taffy. The Future Captain thing and the “next Michael Peca” seem to have faded. Hey, let’s just have a whole season of a Brian Sutherby, hockey player, eh? Projected finish: in the starting lineup in the finale (he said, crossing his fingers).


Petr Sykora – popular nickname: “Syk” . . . sooper cool nickname: “visa”

Well, what? Three years in the making? Botched faxes, delayed visas, miscommunications . . . and he’s finally here. Why, oh why, do I see “Petr Sykora” and read, “Jiri Dopita?” or (when The Peerless has been drinking) “Viktor Navorski?” Projected finish: baggage claim


Brian Willsie – popular nickname: "Willsie . . . ie” . . . sooper cool nickname: “The Amazing Hulk” (ok, I made that up)

Whenever I see Willsie, I’m of a mind of the kid who used to stay after class clapping erasers . . . an earnest, diligent sort. Except he has a little better offensive upside. On this club, that makes him a Hart Trophy finalist. Projected finish: a few goals, a few assists, a couple o’ penalties . . . what would be a nights work for a, say . . . Mark Messier (once upon a time).


Dainius Zubrus – popular nickname: “Zubie” . . . sooper cool nickname: “Zubie Doo-Wop She-Bang”

The focus of what surely is the most talked about, analyzed, poured-over trade in Caps history. Less has been written about World War II than about the Zubrus-Linden for Zednik-Bulis trade. At issue is the eternal question . . . is THIS . . . finally, absolutely, positively, we-really-mean-it-this-time, cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-get-cross-checked the year Zubrus breaks out and fulfills his potential and scores 25-30 goals? . . . no, it’s not. Projected finish: more goals off body parts than off sticks.


So there you have it . . . the player-by-player breakdown for this year’s roster. It makes me think happy thoughts . . . only about 130 days to spring training.

Just remember, we kid because we love . . . good luck, boys.

-- The Peerless

The Peerless Prognosticator is BACK ON THE AIR!

"We’re li-i-i-i-i-i-ve in a bunker somewhere in Colorado with The Peerless Prognosticator . . . Peerless, how does it feel to be back after a year without hockey?"

Well, Brent, it feels . . . how the #@%& do you THINK it feels, you fetid tub of steaming goo?!?!? It feels GRRRRRRRRRREAT!

“So, Peerless . . . what’s on tap for this year?”

Hockey, you wrinkled goober!!!!! Geez, just give me the mic . . . I’ll take it from here.

Fans of the swooping eagle, it’s time to kick this pig and get this year started. Now I know, you’ve been wondering all summer about the Caps chances this year, but rest your weary selves . . . The Peerless is here to sort it all out. Let me just gaze into my magic crystal 8-ball and see what the spirits have to say about the season ahead . . .

October . . . the Caps open with what has to be the funniest lookin’ team on the planet . . . the Columbus Blue Jackets. But against Rick “I skate like a 1946” Nash and Nikolai “Schwervin’” Zherdev, the Caps send the home faithful happy with a big win. From there, they move through an October in which they actually play six . . . SIX!! home games. In a clever bit of GMery and coachin’-uppery, George McPhee and Glen Hanlon conspire to put the horses from that goofy horse show on the ice (one is conspicuous, though . . . the “Reekie” jersey gives it away) and actually play better defense than what was last seen in these parts. The Caps gallop off to a quick start outta the gate (in keeping with the equine theme) and race to the top of the Southeast Division. Ovechkin watch – a new statistic is born – number of penalties drawn in a game. He draws six in a game against the Rangers, and as Marek Malik is given two minutes for “desperate lunge as player with skill flies by,” John Davidson pronounces, “Ovechkin just had ‘an Alexander.’”

November . . . Scandal rocks the club in the first days of the new month as it is found that Screech, the mascot of the cross-town Nationals baseball club, is NOT the offspring of Slapshot. Seems Youppi was conoodling with another (rumored to be Ben Affleck . . . the real reason he’s been looking at settling in Virginia . . . Benouppi?). But nothing is slowing this club down as they swipe three unexpected road wins in Philadelphia, Toronto, and the Meadowlands. The titanic kickoff of the Ovechkin-Crosby smash-mouth smack-down death-match of doom takes place in Pittsburgh in an arena that looks for all the world like a zit on the face of southwestern Pennsylvania. We won’t divulge the details of that contest, but if you’ve read this space, you can probably guess whether there will be a happy ending. The month provides a happy ending as the Caps twist the groinage of their former big bucks star into a lump of angel hair pasta in a home and home twin killing. Ovechkin watch – In response to a groundswell of interest from fans, Ovechkin makes a statement, “I prefer pumpkin to apple pie for Thanksgiving.”

December . . . Merry Freakin’ Doo-dah Christmas! The Caps are the talk of the town! Hail to the Red-what? They’ve even pushed LaVar to page 2 of the Post! As the burgundy and gold slide once more into the ooze of an 8-8 season, it’s the bleu-blanc-et-bronze that is capturing the hearts and minds of the city. Alexander Ovechkin (The Peerless will not sully the dignity of the young fellow by addressing him as “Alex”) is raising eyebrows, which makes for a lot of startled looking people. But, on the other end of the spectrum, Olaf Kolzig is reawakening chants of “O-lie, O-lie, O-lie” with his play. Even Brendan Witt can be heard to remark . . . “trade? . . . I wanna stay here forever . . . I want to stay here so bad, I’ll have Cristian Guzman’s baby!” Brendan seems a bit over-excited over the Caps hot start. Ovechkin watch – New world record . . . even strength, power play, shorthanded, penalty shot, empty net . . . and shootout. Mario who?

January . . . we’re into the dog days of the season, but it’s the Caps treating the opposition like dogs . . . Atlanta…woof! . . . Ottawa…arf! . . . Philadelphia . . . “bah-roooooooooooooo!!!” Ovechkin leads the league in scoring, Kolzig in GAA . . . and what’s this? The first murmurings of Brendan Witt for the Norris? Pinch me, The Peerless is dreaming (you got THAT right, bub…). Even the second installment of Bird-Magic . . . uh, Ovechkin-Crosby is a lopsided affair . . . whosyerdaddywhosyerdaddywhosyerdaddy . . . Ovechkin watch – Calder voting is closed, Ovechkin declared winner by acclamation.

February . . . The Caps give their fans a great big, wet, R-rated Valentine kiss by heading into the Olympic break with a stompization of the Penguins on home ice. Sidney has a new nickname . . . “dead meat.” Kwame Brown is quoted in the Los Angeles Times that he wants to come back to DC to play power forward for the Caps. When the Caps return from the break, they pick up right where they left off by topping Toronto to finish the month while in . . .

March . . . they overwhelm Ottawa, and . . . and . . . something something Atlanta, all on the road. Things are so good, even John Buccigross dedicates a song in his ESPN column to the Caps . . . and it’s actually one that people have heard of! At the trade deadline, Caps have to install banks of telephones to handle calls from agents trying to finagle a deal for their clients to the surprise team of the season (“George! . . . if I can get the club to bite on the rights to Nepriayev, I get deliver Iginla to you!”). Ovechkin watch – Wayne Gretzky offers Ovechkin chance to wear ‘99’ . . . Ovechkin declines, “I want to retire number ‘8’.”

April . . . the regular season winds to a close, the Caps have long since clinched the number one seed in the East, Ted is contemplating getting Abe to add another balcony to MCI to handle the crowds for 2006-2007 (Dan Snyder has some ideas for “obstructed view” seats), even Bill Clement has nice words for the Caps (“ . . . they don’t suck”). Ted’s made so much money on attendance and merchandise (‘8’ sweaters are the biggest selling sports apparel item in the world), he declares that playoff tickets will be free (Snyder busts a blood vessel at the news). Ovechkin watch – the youngster declares, “I’ll do better in the playoffs.”

Rumors spread of teams in a panic, thinking of mass forfeits . . .

The playoffs . . . ah, but we get ahead of ourselves. Stay tuned.

-- The Peerless